i have been up all night again. It happens every night the MIT is home. This night was bad. Lots of stopping breathing. Lots of low heart rates. i had to do AR on Him. That is two nights in a row. Nights suck.
i have been wearing my "dress" cuffs almost daily. i am getting that urge again. That one to find someone. The urge and need to feel connected to someone physically and mentally, and even sexually. It doesn't happen often. i have a "fantasy Master" right now. When i do get to sleep, my brain goes to him. He is a real person. He isn't anyone i know. He is just the figure head in my dreams.
The fantasies always pertain to service and objectification. Being a table for him to eat off of. Being an ashtray holder in the corner. Making sure i have taken care of my personal hygiene and stuff before making him breakfast and serving it to him. No sex. Little pain. All about service and being an object. Even being at his beck and call feels like being an object in my dreams. Then again, in my dreams i can kneel for hours on end without my feet falling asleep or my knees hurting me. Fantasies and dreams are good that way.
i guess i am feeling like the pain is secondary to the service. Then again, i have often felt that way.
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