Having a regret day

Today, all I feel is regret.  Regret about how I have been living with myself the last couple of months.

I have been drinking a lot and have been lying about it.  Every weekend I make excuses to myself about why it is ok for me to drink.  Some weekends I don't.  Most weekends I do.  I drink enough to down a horse or more, but only end up staying awake, without a hang over to even make me think.  I drink enough to get me to a point where I don't feel inhibited with flirting, especially with guys I wouldn't think would go home with me.

I have been having sex a lot, and unsafe (but not in the STD way) partners.  I have been craving pain, and getting it from strangers.  I have been finding those young ones that enjoy choking.  I don't know how it happens, but it does.  Last weekend, I brought home a 27 year old that enjoyed choking.  I have been on an internet web site to get guys.  I have ended up inviting guys I just talked to over, because I know we will have sex. 

I have not been worried about my safety.  I just don't care right now.  I don't care if someone I pick-up will hurt me or kill me or rob me blind.  I just don't care.