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Sunday, July 13, 2008

Nightmare, or Dream? (Day 26)

i couldn't write this yesterday. That is when it happened. i needed a full night's sleep to process it. i was napping. i know i was napping. It was the only way i could have seen this. i dreamed about the MIT's death. i dreamed that it happened today. (dream in italics)

my Mom and Dad called. They had called 911 and were waiting for the ambulance. The MIT was doing that passed out, non-responsive thing. i was driving over there and then called them on my cell to find out when the ambulance got there and were leaving. i made my way to the hospital. Mom and Dad met me at the waiting room. i was not allowed to go into the emergency area. Something happened in the ambulance. He stopped breathing. i fought to be let in. They wouldn't let me in to see Him. i reminded them that i would not get in the way. That i just needed to be on the other side of the curtain. That i needed to be with my son, and that being in the waiting area was making me worse. They let me passed the locked door. They let my parents come with me. My Sis showed then, and they let her in too. After waiting what felt like forever, they let me in to see Him. He was on a respirator. He had wires to the heart monitor. He had IV's. He was not fighting the respirator. He was so pale.

i went out for a smoke. i left Mom and Sis with Him. i needed to make calls. Today was the party for M&S. We were supposed to go there today. i called P and E, telling them we couldn't make it. i explained the MIT was in the hospital. i asked them to let L and D know what was going on (i did not explain about the MIT's stopping breathing and being on the respirator) and to give M&S our love. i told them they could call me on the cell if they needed to talk to me.

Dad and i went back in, and were met by Mom and Sis. The MIT was getting worse. His blood pressure was dropping. His heart was having trouble keeping up. They were moving Him to ICU. They were going to get an emergency EEG done. They didn't know what was going on in His head. i wasn't allowed to go with Him. i didn't care. i went into the area, and stayed there. i was not going to miss saying hello when the MIT woke.

We were taken to ICU. It was about 2:00 pm by now. They wanted me out of the room while the hooked Him up to everything. They tried to distract me by asking me questions. i wasn't able to answer. my concentration was on the MIT. Mom and Dad answered the questions for me. i just wasn't going to leave Him alone. Not with nurses and doctors and people that didn't know Him. He needed me there. i needed to be there. i wouldn't go for a smoke. i wouldn't go for food. The staff were worried about me. my family was worried about me.

At 5:00pm, the MIT died. i wasn't there. They moved me out of the room. They set to work on Him. They shocked Him. They pumped more meds into Him. They never did get the EEG. They did all they could. He wasn't there anymore.

Even in the dream i was in a cloud. i called P and E and told them. They told L and D. i don't know who else they told. They wanted to know where i would be. Would i be at home alone? Would i be at my parent's house? They wanted to see me when they got back. i told them i was fine. i know my voice sounded hollow. i told them i wanted to go home and be alone, but my parents were taking me to their place. my Doctor called. She wanted me in the hospital under observation. my parents said no. They said what happened next was totally up to me.

The next day i was taken home. i answered phone messages. i wasn't really in my head. i felt lost. i picked out the MIT's clothes. Red shirt. Green pants. Tony Stewart cap. i told Mom and Dad that He was to be buried with His green pillow and Papa blankie. i called Karate. i told them what happened. They wanted Him to get a black belt. i said He could be buried with it. Everyone wanted the details. When. Where. i couldn't give them any. i didn't know myself. i allowed Mom and Dad to handle that. i kept saying "no silk pillow, just His green pillow". People started to show up here. They wanted to be here. i wanted to be alone. i wanted everyone out of my house. i wanted to be here. i wanted to be in His bed. They wanted to be with me and make sure i was ok.

i woke up before the funeral. i woke up thinking He was dying. i woke up grieving for something that hadn't happened. i woke up crying. i called my Mom and asked how He was. i needed to make sure that He was fine. i needed to know that they would call me if something went wrong. Mom kept saying i could go over and check on Him. i couldn't do that. Not in the state i was in. i would have freaked Him out. i couldn't stop crying. i was sure it would happen. i am still leery about it happening. i won't feel better until He is here, and we are getting ready to go to the party.

For now, everything is normal. Mom and Dad have Him. i am getting ready for the drive and party. i know in my head that none of this will happen today. my heart is not quite sure.

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