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Saturday, July 23, 2011

And it continues.......

Since "his" (now known as C) arrest, E has been skirting the lines of harassment.  She has been driving C's truck and parking it in her driveway.  She has been staring at me when I am in back yard.  She has been talking to my other neighbours about  how they should be careful of their men, or I will try to get them, and then "cry" rape.  I hate that people I have known for years would believe E over me.  I hate going outside.  I hate going in my backyard.  I hate being here when she is here. 

I am slowly facing my fear.  The fear of people talking about me, and casting judgement.  I have been going out front when she is not here.  I have even been visiting (actually going to people's houses) my neighbours.  I have been sitting out back when I know she is here.  I have been letting those that come to me with the rumour, the truth.  I have allowed those that know the truth, to also tell when they hear the other rumour. 

I still get wicked panic attacks.  I can only last so long outside before the panic sets in.  The neighbours that know me, try to convince me to stay outside, because they "have my back", but that doesn't dissipate how panicky I feel.  I know they are trying to help, but they don't get it.  They say I will feel better once E moves.  I am hoping that is true. 

In real life, it isn't really E or C that I am afraid of.  Well, yeah it is, but it is more than that.  It is the fear that someone will make a pass at me.  It is the fear about other people touching me.  It is the fear of well meaning friends hugging me (it has happened, and continues to happen).  It is the fear that I will hear the rumour and have to tell the truth. 

I am facing those fears.  I am approaching rather than running and hiding.  I am doing opposite to emotion.  K will be very proud of me.  I am proud of me. Yes, it is hard.  Yes, it still brings up panic attacks.  Yes, I still have to come inside and take a breath or two.  Still, I am facing my fears.  I am checking my mail.  I even sat outside last night, when E arrived in C's truck.  Getting over that was sitting and colouring.  Then I headed right back outside.  So E had left already.  I still made it back outside.  

Tonight is an alone night with just Charlie and me.  TJ will be sleeping at my Mom and Dad's as usual.  Maybe tonight I will do something special for myself.  I know I will be BBQing dinner, and letting Charlie have the bone.  That is always fun to watch.  I know I will be sitting outside as much as possible.  I enjoy watching Charlie play outside.  I may even take him to the dog park (that is if it doesn't get to hot, or starts raining).  I have been reading again.  Maybe I will sit out back with my BBQ still warm and read for a while. 

I have not done any problem behaviour.  I am craving it, but I am staying away from it.  I so want to get drunk and confront either E or M (the mother that knows everything but how to raise her own kids).  Then again I don't want to go to jail or get myself hurt. 

Ok, time to head off to see what Charlie is doing.  I think he is asleep on my bed again.