Thursday, July 07, 2011

Feeling of safe, then not at all again

He was arrested yesterday.  I saw the police walk to his unit.  I called my Mom.  Mom came over just as they were leading him out and putting cuffs on him at the police car.  Mom came in the back door.  That way there was no scene. I freaked out.  Panic attack.  Touchy.  Scared of something happening again. 

The detective called about 3 hours later.  He had confessed.  He would be in jail overnight.  He would be facing the judge today, and then probably released on conditions.  One condition (the main one for me) would be no contact with me.  The second condition they are asking for, is that he can not come back to the survey.  I would really like that. 

Last night I felt safe.  I did something I haven't done in days.  I walked around my survey and talked to people again.  I walked out my front door with less fear.  I was still nervous.  I was still having to watch my breathing.  I did it anyways.

Later, his ex/roommate (E) came to my door.  She wanted to know why I would do such a thing.  She had two family members pulling her away from my door.  All I said was "he confessed".  She said he didn't and wouldn't.  I was so shaken up.  I called the victims hot line, and then the detective in charge.  He assured me that the guy had confesses and I did not lie to E.  That she will have to deal with how she feels about it all.  He also said that if E approaches me peacefully, to give her his number, and he would tell her the truth.  He also said that if E approached me and I felt threatened, to call 911.

I no longer felt safe.  I still don't feel safe.  I know E's history.  She could kick my ass if she wanted to.  Add to that the way I am feeling, and I would probably let her.  I set my house alarm, and I kept a phone next to my bed.  I was scared she would come back.  She didn't.

Today I went to take the recycling out, and saw his truck.  Panic attack.  The feelings of fear came flooding back.  So here I sit.  Locked in my house.  The alarm set.  A phone in my had at all times.  "What if's" playing in my head.  Today he will be released.  Today I am scared.  Today will be a "stay in the house, or out back" type of day. 

In DBT, they are talking about reducing vulnerability.  My homework is on opposite to emotions, and I am to concentrate on fear and shame.  Somehow I think they planned this just for me with what I am going through right now.  I guess I could concentrate on filling out my victim impact statement.  Now there is a fear I should face.  There is the shame I should face.

My therapist said that his confession should make me feel validated.  It doesn't.  It makes me feel sad and a little angry.  It means he new he was doing something wrong, but did it anyways.  It means I was insignificant.  It means my saying no means nothing.  It means how I feel doesn't matter.  It means I mean nothing. It means I am nothing.

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