4 more sleeps, and getting something back

The MIT is getting more and more excited. It is nice seeing Him get so excited about the trip. It is also nice to have Him being so cuddly right now. Every chance He gets, He snuggles up to me and lets me just hold Him.

Over the last little while, i have been getting back to being a solitary practitioner. i had moved away from it a bit. In May, on the anniversary of Mike's death, i did do a ritual, but since then, i really haven't been furthering practicing my beliefs. Lately, i have slowly been getting back to it. i have been making sure to stand outside in the sun in the morning. i have been basking in the glow of the moon (even when i can't see it). i have set up a little meditation space. i even stood outside last night, in the rain, naked, and felt my worries wash off me, as the cool wind and warm rain rolled over my skin. It feels right getting back into practicing. It feels right doing the little things to celebrate the earth around me. i am finding strength in it.

Today is my Mid-term exam and i am exhausted. Time to head back to bed for a nap, so i am fully able to function at 11:30. Wake-up at 10:30, get a shower and prepare my bag and files. i am not worried about the exam. Making mistakes, and being shown how to fix them is the purpose of this "exam".

And right now, today, everything feels right.

6 more sleeps

In 6 more sleeps, the MIT, my Mom and my Dad are flying to Sydney, Australia. Yup, only 6 more sleeps. In 5 more sleeps i get my bed back. i am both excited and scared. Mostly excited.

i had thought of going away for a few days. Just booking a room or cabin and going to a place away from my house. i just can't afford that. So, i have come up with some other ideas.

- visit St Jacobs for the day (allow money for meals)
- visit St. Catherine's for the day (allow money for meals)
- visit Ikea and buy at least one toybox
- buy windchimes, clay
- go to Ceramics each week
- book and do foot procedures (want to do at least 15)
- make chili, stew, BBQ, pork roast
- visit Oakville for the day
- visit Meadowlands for the day (allow money for meals)
- go to the movies
- watch movies

That is all i have right now. i am sure to come up with more ideas during the month. i just know it would have been nice to go someplace. Out in the woods. Listen to a stream. Walk in the sun. Walk in the moonlight. Get back a part of myself i feel has been missing. Then again, this is cheaper, and that means i can do more, and still do stuff that i like. Plus, my back patio can be my woods if i want it. So can any park near here. This will work.

Yes i am still scared about how the MIT will do on the trip. That is why i am keeping Him home from school for a couple days. Thursday we are going to spend some time together before heading to Toronto for Him to get His hair redone. His roots are showing. Friday is the day we are going to figure out what He is taking with Him. i would like to take Him out to dinner or something, but He wants to stick to His schedule on Friday, which includes karate.

Gods i am going to miss Him. Yes i am going to enjoy my time alone, but i am going to really miss Him. my days revolve around Him so much. i guess it is good practice for when He is gone.

Anyways, Wednesday i take my Mid-term practical test for reflexology. i am not nervous about that at all. i am actually looking forward to it. i know i will do well. i get to use my cheat book. i know my files are done well. i can't think of anything that could go wrong.

Ok, that is as much as i can concentrate on. Time to finish watching Journey Man.

LIfe sometimes sucks

The MIT made it through 8 days of school, and is now sick. Yes He is home sick. Damnit. i am keeping Him home because i want Him healthy for His trip in 16 days. i am even keeping Him home from Rygiel House this weekend. No break for me. Just me and the MIT. i am not even sending Him to karate. He has been home with me, non-stop since Thursday morning. It will continue to at least Monday morning. i may get to send Him to school Monday. Maybe. It all depends on how healthy He is by then.

Other than that, life kind of sucks. Nothing exciting is going on. No plans made for my month off. Can't afford anything. i will probubly be stuck at home, by myself, alone. There isn't even anything really going on that month. Nothing i would like to go to. Sure there will be Octoberfest with my friends, but that is about it.

Anyways, that is enough of my venting, as much as it is.

Feeling Blah

So, we survived the wedding. The MIT did great as the ring bearer. He remembered when He was supposed to talk. He didn't loose a side until after the ceremony (it was close, and He was worried, but it all worked out). He didn't complain to much about His picture being taken. It was a great ceremony. my favourite parts were when L said Her vows, and when D surprised the girls with their own rings. It made almost everyone cry. It was beautiful, simple, and exactly like them. It was an honour to be there, and to have the MIT a part of it.

This week is weird. i have nothing scheduled. It is like a week off for me. It is what the first week of school should have been like, but wasn't. The MIT hasn't argued with me about going to school yet. We still have last year's schedule. Sure it is a struggle to get up at 5:30 in the morning, but the half hour by myself, and then the half hour playing with the MIT and trying to get Him out of bed is worth it. It is nice i still have a cuddler. Every morning between 6 and 6:30 is spent cuddling with Him in bed, poking at Him and trying to get Him moving. It is a very special time for us.

It was hard explaining to the resource teacher about the MIT's prognosis. i had to do the same with the people at karate. The instructors at karate have really seen how much the MIT is loosing. They see that He has less balance, that He is requiring more help with one side gone, and that even though He is progressing socially and maturing, He is loosing skills He used to have. i am still grasping with His prognosis. The idea that He has reached His peak physically, and is falling backwards so quickly.

On Friday, Sandy and i talked about how i feel guilty that i no longer think about Mike each day. That there are more days in a row where i just don't talk to Him, or mention Him, or even think about how my life is different without Him. There are more and more days like that. The guilt is because part of me feels like i should be missing Him more. Then comes the feeling of loss. The feeling like i am missing feeling the grieving process. It is like i am missing feeling so bad. Weird. We are going to talk more about that soon. Apparently we are going to talk about my alcohol usage next visit. LOL. Drinking more than i normally do, 2 times a year, and we need to talk about it. That should be interesting.

Well, today is going to be another quiet day. Friday the MIT goes to Rygel again. Yes i will have 2 nights off again this weekend. Then 2 weekends after that, the MIT will be leaving for Australia. i have already made some plans. One of which is to visit where Mike is buried. i wonder how that will feel. i am going to take a picture of the MIT and i with me to put at His grave site. i need to do that for sure.

Finally summer is over, well, soon

One more sleep. That is all that is left of summer vacation. One more sleep. One more sleep until waking up at 5:30. One more sleep until making waffles and smoothies every day. One more sleep until making sandwiches for lunch. One more sleep, and i can actually have a nap during the day. One more blessed sleep until the MIT is back at school.

Today is getting the house in order. Today is making sure the MIT has all He needs for school. Today is finishing up from camp. Today is the day i will put a chair back in my van. Today is just getting things organized so i can actually make it tomorrow morning.

i also have some stuff to get done as far as a friend's wedding. i have the ring bearer's pillow to finish. i have to get some things to S to finish off another thing. i have to call about the "new" van. (i would really like to have it once the parents and MIT leave for Australia.) i have to make sure i hear from the insurance company again so the MIT has an iPod for His trip. That is about it this week. Sure i would like to get a nice dress for the wedding, but i can't afford that. i would love to get new shoes for it also. Other than that, i am good.

Therapy on Friday was eye opening. i actually admitted to how scared i am about the MIT dying. i talked about all the changes i have seen with Him. The growing of the type of seizure He is having. The need for an MRI. (He had the MRI last night.) i admitted that although i need the break, i am scared to send Him to Rygiel House. (yes i did send Him, and yes it went well, but still) i seem to be very scared right now. Scared of everything. Stressed by everything. i admitted to not being on edge. That the sound of people's voices are irritating. The sound of Sandy's computer was driving me mad. The noise outside her door was intolerable. It was nice to admit it all. i had hidden it down inside me so far, that i was ignoring how i was feeling again. Time to deal with it as it comes to me. Time to ride out the waves again.

Other than all that, Friday made me feel much better. i let it all out, and am still thinking about it, but it isn't driving me absolutely nuts. i am guessing part of that is the fact that i actually had two nights of no beeping, no complaining about what should be on TV. No arguing about bed times. It was a nice, secluded weekend. i needed it.

Now that school will be back in session, i can schedule reflexology treatments during the school day. That will be nice. i also have a couple of projects to complete at ceramics. i am excited and nervous about October. And i have dishes that need doing as i type. Off i go then.

5 days left of summer

Thank goodness there are only 5 days left. i am at the end of my rope. i am exhausted. i am stressed. i am bitchy. All i can think about is that there are only 5 days left.

Yesterday i went out and got the MIT's back to school stuff. Finally. He didn't go with me because, again, He was full blown. This summer has been full of full blown days. my body is shouting at me because of lifting Him and giving Him support. At least school is soon. my body can recover a bit. i am worried about Him getting worse and worse and the school not being able to handle it. i am worried about being called in more and more, to bring Him home. Even the chance of Him having to go to the hospital has increased. i guess it is a wait and see time for me.

my Sis and i talked yesterday about what we are going to do while Mom, Dad and MIT are away. We are planning on a short road trip to the states. Do some shopping there. Maybe stay a night there. It is weird we have gotten so close. i admitted to her that i don't trust her right now. All the shit that has happened has left me feeling like i really don't know her. i admitted to her that my first thought was that it was her that took all of the MIT's and my stuff, and there wasn't really a break-in. i still can't say for sure that i don't think she did it. i just keep telling myself that she wouldn't have hurt the MIT that way.

Today i am taking the MIT to get His hair bleached blond. Yes i am giving in. Yes i swore to myself i wouldn't let Him do it until He was 16, but He deserves it. He puts up with a lot from me, and i know He really wants it done. We are going to L's today so She can do it. i trust Her. She will make sure it works good. He is really stoked about it. He is stoked about starting school as a blond. He is even stoked about the wedding.

i am stoked about school starting again.

Time for a catch-up post

Lets see. It has been a while, and so much has happened.

S/mer camp. Went well. We all moseyed. It was a calm camp where we carried the "it is our last one, and if you don't like it, don't come back" attitude. It was cold at night, so play was limited. With it being so relaxed, i had more time to think. my head was full of "why isn't He here?" and "i miss Him so much". Other than that, it was good.

The call. Sunday night i had a message on my cell from my sister to call ASAP. It turned out to be that my house had been broken into again. 2nd time in 7 years. This time they mainly took little things. Mainly the MIT's things. His iPod, His portable DVD player, His Xbox, His PS2, and all His games. The only stuff of mine was my change jar money, my American money, and a carton of my smokes. Even now i am noticing more stuff missing. MIT's Harry Potter computer game is gone. i just noticed that it is gone. Great. Something else. The MIT was so mad when He, my Dad and Sis found that stuff was missing, He broke a chair. He is still so angry and scared. He hasn't slept in His own bed since.

The MIT's trip to the hospital. This happened Thursday. Thursday morning the MIT and i were watching TV and the next thing i know, He is passed out on my lap. i got Him to my room, and after a while, he vomited while still unconscious. It continued for 5 hours before i called the ambulance. He was fine by the time we got to the hospital, but they kept Him over night anyways. He wasn't discharged until Friday evening. He is fine. He is back to normal. The doctors have asked that i bring Him in sooner next time. They are worried about it being a new type of seizure, or pressure in the brain, or even a bleed. Scary stuff.

Alarm Force. We had it installed yesterday. It is already making me feel better. i can arm it, and disarm it. i was even able to leave the house yesterday without anyone being here.

Me. i am stressed out. i am tired. i am on the edge of loosing it. Yes i can show off the "easy" side of myself. It is taking a lot of meds to do it though. i am short on money, and have a lot of bills i have to catch up on. i am flighty. my brain is all over the place. i don't feel settled. i can't wait for school to start. i can't wait to be able to sleep more than 14 hours a week. Most of all, i can't wait until the MIT leaves for Australia. A full month vacation for me.

i so want to go away during that month. Go to a hotel and soak in a hot tub. Go to a different province and look around. Go anywhere but here. Actually take a vacation. God that would be so nice. Hell, i have a month. i should be able to do something during that time. Too bad i can't. It sucks.

Time to get ready to go to my parent's place and celebrate my Sis's birthday.

One more sleep...sort of

Today is the day we pack up my van with all the DSSG stuff, and probubly head off to the camp to drop it all off. Today is also the day my head hurts, the MIT is complaining about the pain from His bruised ribs, i am panicked, i am nervous, i am missing Mike, and i can't seem to follow my simple lists of what i need to do.

i know i get like this. All but last year i had Mike here to center me. i need my hair pulled. i need pain i don't inflict on myself to settle me. i need someone to stand next to me and direct me to do what it is i need to do. i know i can do it. i did it last year. All on my own i did it last year. Why is this year so hard?

i don't have much time left until everyone shows up to load the van. i need to go to 2 stores before they come here. That of course includes getting the MIT fed and dressed and myself showered and dressed before we go. This will work out.

Week 9 and Carpet is in!!!!

Today is the first day of week 9. Another week down. Only 2 and a bit weeks until school begins. Thank goodness. i am at the end of my rope. There is only so much i can handle, and this summer has taken its toll.

Today i finally got a new carpet. On the right, is what it used to look like. This is just a small section of the yucky thing. See all the bumps and bubbles? Those were all over the carpet. The MIT would trip over them all the time. It was ugly and unsafe.

On the left is the new carpet. Isn't it great? All smooth and pretty. The colour is better also. Much lighter, and no stains!!! i am a very happy camper. Now i just have to move everything back to where it belongs.

While the carpet was being installed, the MIT decided to show off. He sat on the railing in front of the house, and fell off it. The first fall was backwards onto the pile of old carpet, so there was no damage. The second fall was head first onto the patio pavement. The one guy that was installing the carpet, helped break the MIT's fall, so the bump on His head isn't to bad. i am hoping to get a picture of it, just for memory sake.

This week is getting ready for Camp week. This requires shopping, shopping and more shopping, packing the van, emptying the van, repacking the van. The stress will come with taking the seats out of the van, and making sure i get everything on my lists for camp. The other stressful thing is packing the van with all the DSSG stuff, and then making sure i can pack all of my stuff. Luckily i am a list maker, and have plenty of lists to go by. i just hope i don't forget anything. Especially the DSSG stuff.

i have been having trouble maintaining a calmness in me. i am taking all my meds. i am eating pretty ok (i think i gained). i will talk to the doctor about it tomorrow. i don't want to be on more meds, but i can't keep "coping" the way i have been. The stuff i talked to my therapist about is still running rampant in my head. i am having trouble letting it go and just living day to day. Then again, part of what therapy is about for me, is dealing with how i feel, when i feel it. So maybe there is a reason i keep thinking about what i discussed on Friday. i guess i will wait and see and talk to the doctor tomorrow.

Swirling thoughts

i can't sleep. my head is full of confusing thoughts. The MIT is beeping and beeping. Lots of apneas, a few bradys. Doesn't look like a night i get to settle.

Therapy was rough. At least i didn't just vent about every day stuff. i confessed my cutting. i talked about how this year seems so much harder than last year. At least last year, i was in a fog. Living on the thought that i would wake-up at any moment, and all would be back to normal. This year i can't pretend. i have been learning to feel what i feel when i feel it. i have been learning to accept what life now has to offer me. This year sucks. This year i am totally aware that Mike is gone. This year i am figuring out how to live without Him. i had thought that this year would be easier than last. i am finding it to be harder. Sandy says it is normal. She says that after trying to bury all my feelings, i am going to feel more overwhelmed by letting them all out.

On top of that i confessed my stress about the MIT. i confessed how much summer sucks. i confessed how during the school year, i hear that i am lucky my parent's take my son every Saturday for a sleep over. i confessed that it bothers me so much because in the summer, i get only the Saturday night, and don't get a week off here or there. i am with Him almost 24/7. i confessed the thoughts have returned, hoping He won't wake-up in the morning. i confessed how much i love Him, but that i want a real break from Him. God i can't for October.

i am feeling really tired. Totally stressed out. Nearing the end of my rope. Sandy wondered why i would put myself through all the stress of Camp. It was hard to explain but finally i realized, that by the end of camp, i am a much happier person. i feel free at camp. Free to be who i am, if i chose to. Free to get all "powerful" if i need to. Free to just be a grownup with a great bunch of grownups that i am proud to call my friends (ok, sometimes i even call them family).

Time to try to settle my brain. i am hoping this helped. i need to at least nap between beeps.

Almost the end of week 8

Today is Friday. Today is therapy day. i need it.

i have been having panic attacks. Yes it finally broke threw. It overwhelmed me. The first one was intense. i couldn't even write in my journal. i wanted out of it so bad. The meds wouldn't work. They didn't calm me at all. i ended up cutting. It broke the attack. It made me feel better. The next day, it happened again. Two times. i didn't cut this time. On the advice of P&E i went to my ceramics class. It helped. i am glad i called and asked their advice. Ceramics is quite calming, especially when you know that you don't have to interact with anyone else, and that any mistakes i make, i can correct.

i have been thinking a lot about Mike, and how much i miss Him. i have also been thinking about the good times, and that brings smiles to my face. Thinking about Him this year, is different than last year. Last year, i was going through the motions. i was waking up, doing what i had to, trying not to think. Pushing myself to accept that He is dead. This year, i am more aware of everything. i am aware of feeling sad, of feeling happy. i am aware when i talk about Him, or think about Him. i am past being angry at His stupidity. i am more sad that He felt He needed to lie so much. Sad that He couldn't even admit things to Himself. Other than that sadness, i am enjoying the happy memories. Yes, sometimes they make me cry. Yes i still wish He was here. i am getting better at letting my emotions come out as they need to. i guess that is a good sign in my development.

A week from today i will be waking up at camp. i am split on how i feel about it. Split on wanting to go, and not wanting to go. Wavering between thinking it will be enjoyable, and thinking it will be like dragging my feet in the mud. i am definitely prepared to get drunk again. i am really looking forward to that. i am going to be the booze center. i am taking Bailey's, Rum, Peach schnapps, and Goldshlager. i am responsible for bringing the stove, and transporting all the equipment this year. i am going to be making tacos for my communal meal. No sandwiches, no meat plate. Something warm and easy and likely to please. i am glad i thought about it.

i am really glad this is the last one we will be hosting. The decision has been made that the people that own the camp ground, will be continuing with the tradition, and they want us to manage the play parties. That takes me back to the very first time the original group of us went to the camp grounds to stake it out. We ran the play party then. It was a great time. i like the idea that we aren't going to have all the responsibilities. No worrying about food. No worrying about registration. It will end up being a nice break, and a nice place to go and enjoy. i can see communal meals with us again, and again.

Well, sounds like the MIT is finally up. i was actually sitting here for the last hour and a half wishing He wouldn't. Yeah, that is how down i am right now. Instead, He is up, and will be wanting food soon. The new med His is on has stopped the seizures. He has been having more episodes of one side or the other gone. No real "full blown" episodes. Even on days when both sides are working, His balance is way off. i am not seeing my strong MIT as much anymore. i am seeing the MIT that is loosing mile stones, and balance, and is physically deteriorating. Great.

Well, i guess that is all. i have other news, but am not ready to share it out loud. i am scared it won't happen, and things fall through, and i am left feeling worse.

Time to cook the MIT breakfast. Hopefully it isn't going to be french toast again (He has had that on Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday). At least He gets a smoothie every morning. It is nice to not have to worry about Him actually getting fruits every day. Time to stop droning on and on.

Have a great day all.

Feeling "off"

i don't know what is going through my head today. It is almost like i am at the beginning of an anxiety attack, and am in a holding pattern where my body is jumpy, my head is swirling, and i don't feel settled. i wish i would just either move into full attack or calm enough to feel settled.

i know i have been thinking about Mike a lot. i have been missing Him constantly. i have bouts of tears, and bouts of joy. i keep looking up stuff. Looking for pictures of Him or us. Looking for emails He sent over the years. Looking for Him everywhere. i really want Him here with me. i have wanted Him back for the last few days. God i miss Him. i could really do with Him being here right now.

Maybe it is the lack of sleep. Maybe that is it. That would make sense. OK, no more thinking away how i am feeling. (Therapist talking in my ear) i need to just feel. i need to let myself just go with how i feel. i need to just cry if i feel the need (like right now). i know i have been keeping in how crappy i have been feeling. i have been ignoring the signs of holding everything inside. The need to yell. The quick to temper. The feeling of being unsettled.

Ok. Other stuff.

The willow trees in my neighbour's yard were cut down.

Here is the before......And here is the after.......

No more trees. The beautiful willow trees are gone. all that are left are the trunks. It was sad last weekend, watching the untrained men cutting these down. i yelled across the fence that i want some of the pieces from the trees. Hopefully i can get those.

Also, i finished one of my projects at ceramics. Here is my ugly troll guy

He is an incense holder. i think he is mighty cute. i am proud of the job i did. i am currently working on 3 other projects. This troll guy was done in acrylics. i am starting to work with under glazes. i soon want to work with glazes.

i got my mark from my reflexology written exam. i needed a 70% to pass. i got an 89%.

week 7, countdown, and confusion

Yes, today is the start of week 7 of the MIT's summer vacation. i am loosing my steam. i am still making Him breakfast every day. i am still trying to get Him out of the house. i am over tired, and things have gotten different. Friday we found out He had a broken baby toe that i had mistaken a week before that as a dislocation. A broken toes wouldn't be a problem normally, but for Him, it means that when that side goes, and He tries to walk, He is putting ALL His weight on that one toe. This, of course, means no karate, and stumbling all over the place.

The countdown is for camp. There is 18 days until the start of camp. That doesn't mean i have 18 days until i have to be there though. The org usually goes up the night before and leaves a day later. i don't know if i can actually go up there like usual. my Mom is not cooperating. LOL. Yes it all depends on her. Then again, i can hope that my sister doesn't find a job between now and then, and she can take care of the MIT during the times i need. That would be best case senario.

This will be the second camp without Mike, and the last camp we run. It is a big loss. i am still grieving Mike, and now i get to grieve something we all built together. No, i don't have the drive to actually do more. Hell, i don't know if i have the drive to survive this one. Another one, is just not something i am looking forward to. Going to someone else's event is hard. It is like trying to replace the perfect pair of pants with something new, and having to work them in. i don't like working another event in. Hell, we don't get to work another event in. We just get to go, and bitch about how we would like it if we did it. Then again, we are good at that. Both at bitching and creating something we would enjoy. i just wish we didn't have to work so hard to do it. my dream event would be one that we organized, and found people to actually do. We would "hire" those who would fulfill our dream, and we could sit back and let it happen. Then again, we are a bunch of control freaks, so it probubly wouldn't work that way anyways.

Confusion. Let's see. i am lonely. i want sex. i don't want to be in a relationship, or expected to have sex, but i would like to actually be taken out on dates. i am not ready to open myself up to anyone, but i would like to be taken out. Wined and dined. Shown off and shown a good time. Then again, i don't want to go out. i want to stay safe. i want to stay in my own "bubble" and just be. i guess the big question is, what do i want more? Do i want sex? Do i want my bubble? Do i want to go out? Do i want to stay home? i am not sure yet. Since i don't know, it isn't time to put myself out there. When i know it, i will take the dive. Just not yet.

Thinking about His collar

Welcome to week 5 of our summer vacation. Today is our dentist appointments. The MIT gets to have a checkup and cleaning. i get to have a root canal. Yeah me. At least the meds my doctor has prescribed are good ones. Who knew Demerol came in pill form.

i have been reading a few journals lately. The talk seems to be centered around collars. i used to have a collar. It was a charm Mike gave me at the club we were working on for the DSSG. It was a fake padlock charm. The chain it was on changed 2 times. It never left my neck. i have pictures of me and Mike together, with it on my neck. i have pictures of it on me with my son. i have pictures of it on me naked. It meant the world to me. i wore it almost continually for 6 1/2 years. It came off 2 times. Once in 2005 after Mike's surgery, and once more in February of 2006. i never wore it again. It is still gone to this day. After Mike died, i never got it back. Mike's wife couldn't find it in His apartment. It wasn't in His wallet where He had put it. i still wear the chain it was last on. i wear it on my ankle. i haven't taken it off since His death.

i miss the feel of it around my neck, even now. i find myself searching for the comfort of it. i run my hands around my neck looking for it, without even thinking. Who knew a piece of jewelry could mean so much.

i guess it is the same as someone who was married and their partner dies. They still have the wedding ring. They still play with it. They hold on to it. They twist it for comfort. It is a feeling of still being a part of something bigger than themselves. That is how i think of it anyway. That the bond between Mike and i is still there, and that silly piece of jewelry is a way of holding on to Him.

i still miss Him. It is getting easier. i don't think of Him as often. At the same time, He is always in my thoughts. i guess i am getting used to Him not being around. i hate that. i feel like i should still be dressed in black (not that i ever really was) and wailing about missing Him. i get so lonely without Him sometimes. i get so lonely without that silly piece of jewelry around my neck.

3rd week of summer vacation

So the MIT has been off school for 3 weeks. It hasn't been that hard, but it is getting harder. i am still getting up every morning and making Him a good breakfast. Mostly pancakes, but sometimes eggs and hashbrowns. He is skipping lunches, but that is probubly because of the meds He is on. Dinners have been interesting. i will think one thing is a good idea, and He lights up to my second idea. At least it is all working. i am still struggling with getting Him outside, but i will figure that out as the summer goes on.

i completed my reflexology written exam. i don't know how well i did, and i won't find out until the college mails me the results. i am not really worried about it. i am more than excited that i have completed it, and the only one in my class to do so. i am still working on doing my practicum, but it is hard with the MIT being around all the time. i have to book appointments when He isn't around, or when i have time off from Him. It will get done. i am committed to this.

Tomorrow i am starting ceramics class. It is something i have been wanting to do for a while, and it is a way for me to take care of me. It gets me out of the house, and doing something artistic. It is also cheap. i would rather be taking a pottery course, but it is too expensive. Instead i am doing this. i will be painting, fireing, glazing, and working creativly. It also means i know what everyone is getting for Christmas/Yule. LOL.

Emotionally, i am dealing. Since i am only seeing my therapist every second week now, i have to deal. i have to let my emotions out and let them go. Every night i seem to be going out to my back patio and talking to the sky, Mike, whatever-you-want-to-call-the -higher-power, or even myself. Sometimes i cry. Sometimes i laugh. Sometimes i just vent out my frustrations with life. Any way you look at it, i am having to deal with emotions as they come up. i can't just save it all up for a Friday. It gets to hard to do that.

i guess i am content. Well, today i am. Actually, right now i am. The MIT goes to karate in just over an hour. After that, i can do "me" stuff, and make myself a healthy dinner. Once the MIT comes back home, we will have some quiet time. He has an early bedtime tonight. Once He is in bed, i get to sit out back and relax. A nice day today.

First week of no school

So, this week has gone pretty well.

i have made a good breakfast for the MIT each morning, and have made Him dinner on nights when it is my responsibility. i cleaned out the MIT's room, and it suits Him so much better now. No "baby" toys. Mostly books and a clean floor. i did leave the shelf of stuffed things but that was more for me than for Him. i cleaned out the hallway closet. i have kept up on dishes every day. i have cleaned my room. i have cleaned the living room. i think i am at a point with the housework where i can just do little things to maintain it all summer.

i have also gotten the MIT out of the house at least once every day this week. He isn't really playing with anyone, but He is going out and getting fresh air. i am making plans on getting us to do some walking so that His butt doesn't grow to much this summer. Well, also my butt.

my contacting and interacting with friends isn't going so well. Heck, i am hardly on the computer much right now. i am also doing more listening to music, rather than watch TV. Mainly i am studying for my exam next week. i know that is an excuse. i could be putting myself out more, by calling and emailing, and talking to my friends. i just can't find a way to make myself do it right now. i still love them all, i am just not able to pull myself out of my head right now.

It is therapy day again today. i know we will be talking about how i am neglecting relationships right now. i know we will be talking about the fact that i may be avoiding my feelings with all the cleaning. That is how Sandy works. That is how i work. It is also a problem, as far as i am concerned. i know, if it is that much of a problem, why don't i do something about it. The fact is, i just don't know right now. i just don't understand it. i just can't find that place inside myself right now. i need to find it again. i am just way to lonely right now. i know it is all my doing. i just don't know how to get past it.

i feel like i am letting everyone down. i feel like i am no longer worth it. i feel like i am so lost. i feel stuck. Just so very stuck.

From Friday, until September

Therapy was on Friday. i talked out some stuff that has been going on. Mainly the fact that i am hiding and who i seem to be hiding from. The session gave me some things to talk about. i am still thinking about them. The other thing i talked out, was that i am not looking forward to the summer.

Summer vacation last year, was a blur. This year, i am actually awake and aware that what i choose to do, will have an effect on the MIT. Last year i didn't care at all about anything. Hell, i didn't care if i woke up or if i died, or if the MIT died. This year is different. i feel the need to be a mom to the MIT this year. Make a point of doing stuff with Him. Make a point of keeping us both active. So i have come up with some plans to accomplish this.

First thing is to get the house in total order, so that the rest of the summer is just maintenance cleaning. Part of this means cleaning out a whole bunch of stuff. The MIT's toys, the MIT's books, my closet, the hallway closet, the bathroom, and the kitchen. i am now making a list of major stuff to do, and which days i will do them on. Once that is all accomplished, i can work on the maintenance schedule.

i have already started on the major cleaning projects. i washed the kitchen floor on my hands and knees, cleaned out the pantry floor, and cleaned out my cleaning supply cupboard. i am about to clean the top shelf of my pantry, and then the shelf of my hallway closet. It is a good start of feeling like i have some control this summer. Once this part gets done, i am hoping to feel better.

The way the MIT will be dealing with this first week, is to be sitting in front of the TV and flipping channels. That makes Him feel better.

All F**KED up

i haven't written anything here in over a week. i have written in the MIT's journal (about His new meds). i have written in my pen and paper journal. i have talked stuff out loud. i just haven't written here. i also haven't been talking to friends. Things are just so fucked up right now. Nothing really that has to do with me exactly, but still close enough that it is causing me trouble.

my Sis, has fucked up big time. This includes things like lying to me, our parents, our Nana, my son, and her friends. On top of that, i have tried to help. By helping her, and her lying, i am now over due on some bills, have no money for gas, and can't go to my Mom for help because it will just get Sis in more trouble. Add to that, the feeling that i could have stopped the downward spiral and you have a recipe for me feeling guilty and angry and disappointed.

So i turn into myself. Unable to bring myself to talk to anyone. Unable to bring myself to open to anyone. Turning into myself then brings about feelings regarding the MIT. Watching Him loose little milestones, watching Him struggle with wanting to go outside (but not knowing how to play with younger kids, and not knowing how to really interact with older kids), watching Him loose muscle tone when He wants to do stuff. Turning into myself more brings about remember things with Mike. Yesterday was His anniversary with B. i wonder what she was thinking about. i wonder if she went to the cemetery. i wonder if she cried, like i do all the time.

i feel so helpless right now. Not able to fix things for my son. Not able to fix things for my younger sister. Not able to fix things for myself. i don't like that i can't fix anything. So then i get to the point where i can't fix me. i can't bring myself to climb out of my own head. i have to do something to fix at least myself. i have to find a way to do that.

So, today i am going to call my friends. i am going to re-connect with them all. i am going to pull myself out of my own ass, as much as possible. Especially since the MIT only has 3 more days of school after today. i have to find myself again. The vibrant me. The me that can be around other people. The me i seem to have lost the last month or so.

Gaining control, and finding out about myself

i haven't posted in a while. i have been busy since the fire. i have found that i have a talent i didn't know about. Let me explain.

The day of the fire, a group of 3 Moms decided that the survey should hold a BBQ to raise funds for the family that lost everything. They asked me for my help. Man did i end up helping. Thursday and Friday was spent doing things no one else wanted.

i got permission from Victoria Park to hold the BBQ
i got food donations, and raffle prize donations from 21 businesses
i got a cash donation from 1 business
i got ice donated from 1 business
i did running around, and picked-up a number of the raffle prizes and food donations.
i got a float for the two main areas
i thought up 2 activity areas (sprinklers, and Lego fun)
i was asked many times "what should I do now Wendy?"

All that was before the event. Mostly on Thursday and Friday. Even on the Saturday (the day of the event) i was asked what people should do, how to set stuff up, how to make donation boxes, how to handle the money. Sometimes they listened to my ideas, sometimes they didn't. It really didn't matter. This was a community thing.

Saturday, once the event started, i was in charge of the money (making sure everyone had enough change, and making sure the cash boxes didn't have to much cash in them at one time), the first aide station (thanks Mike, you trained me well), the sprinkler area, and the Lego area. i also took lots of pictures. It was fun. After we shut everything down, i, and 3 other people, counted the money. i made sure every envelope was signed on the seal and had the amount that was in it, and the denomination amount on it. To say the event was a success is an understatement. We raised almost $2000, not including actual donations of stuff.

Who knew i could do this? Who knew i am good at organizing a fundraiser, including getting all the supplies for free? i didn't. Sure i have some experience because of DSSG, and the running of S/mer camp, but really, being able to call places and ask for donations? Being able to ask and get stuff was the toughest job. It meant putting myself (and the event) out there to be told "no". i hate doing that. But really, i never thought i would be good at it. When i first started making the calls, it was because no one else would do it. By the end, it was because i was enjoying doing it. (ok, yes i complained while doing it, but it was still fun to hear people say yes).

Today i get to take the money to the bank. i get to take back some stuff to a couple businesses that they donated to use for the day. i get to print out cards/thank you letters to all the businesses that helped us achieve such a successful event. i will probably end up dropping them all off on Wednesday.

And about the reflexology, i put it on hold during this time. i did, right after the event, send out apologies to everyone i hadn't gotten back to. i even did a treatment on someone on Sunday. i have a treatment booked for tomorrow, and 3 booked for Wednesday. i do have one booked for today, but the MIT is sick and in bed, and i am going to have to cancel that.

So, wow. What a weekend. i didn't know i had it in me.

i think i am going crazy

Wednesday i was woken up by screaming and yelling. There was a fire in our complex. It wasn't my row, and it wasn't my house, but still. Flames were shooting out the top floor window. Glass was shattering and blowing out due to the heat. The flames spread up the room, and started on the unit next to it. Everyone got out safely. That is the good news. How it started is a mystery still. One likely reason is the wiring of the unit. The other is that a faulty alarm clock caused the electrical fire. The smoke detectors (which are hard wired) didn't go off.

The news that relates to me, is that my anxiety level has increased to the point of almost paranoia. i have been unplugging everything except when i am using it. i am scared about my house burning up when i am not here. i am scared of going to sleep without someone else here (my sister slept over last night). i even put a call in to Sandy (my therapist) because i am sure i am going crazy. i must be nuts. It isn't logical that i should be scared about my house catching on fire. It isn't like it happened to my row of houses. It isn't like it really affected me.

Sandy made me feel a bit better. She said that if it is electrical, and the way the houses were built, i have a justified fear. It doesn't feel justified. What my Mom has said makes it feel unjustified. What the nurse said makes it feel unjustified. But Sandy says it is. She says that i need to do something to make myself feel better. Have an electrician come in and check my wiring. Continue with helping with the fundraiser those in the survey are trying to put together to help the family that was burned out of their house (they didn't have insurance). She pointed out that i took control of my fear enough to be a comfort to the little girl, who sat and watched as the firefighters worked on her house (i gave her a new blankie and the big ugly frog Mike had given too me). i thought of some stuff that Mike would have thought of, like making sure those that were hysterical had caffeine and sugar to drink, and that they would sit down.

Great, that is all great, but i am still scared of leaving things plugged in. i am still scared to fall asleep. i am still scared to leave the house. i want to take all my pictures down and put them in a box and hide them someplace safe. Get them out of the house in case it burns down. Everything. i want everything and everyone safe. i really don't feel safe. i feel like i am on edge. i feel like i have no control. i feel like i am going crazy.