So i did it. i registered for the reflexology course. i start on Friday. i have already read over the first 3 chapters, and plan on reading more. It is a dry read, but i am so excited about taking it, and eventually using the skills i learn, that i am breezing right through it. i even had a pedicure today and am getting a manicure tomorrow to celebrate. Hellen said, on Saturday, that Mike would be proud. That He is looking down on me and smiling. i hope so. i hope He is proud.
i actually removed His spot on the bed. His pillows had been where they have been for almost 7 years. It was hard, admitting that He won't ever be sleeping here again. i still wait for Him to come online and chat while He is at work. i still wait for Him to walk in the door on Tuesdays to go bowling. Moving the pillows was difficult, but i lived.
i do keep asking myself if i am grieving too much. i mean we had been going through some bad times before things began to "work" again. i wasn't that thrilled with Him for quite a while. We had our problems. Maybe i should be over this feeling of dread and guilt and sadness.
i talked to Pam today about the cravings. The desire to have that dynamic and the pain back in my life. How i wonder if He would be mad or disappointed in the fact that i want to give that part of me over to anyone else. She had me play the "what would you say if i was you, and you were Ethan?" game. i do know what Mike would say. He would say that being a submissive is who i am, and to keep that locked up would mean i was not being true to myself. He would tell me to not feel guilty. He would tell me to be who i am. So why is even the idea of letting it be someone else's voice so scary for me?
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