What to say?

i don't know what to say. D died early this morning. i am going to really miss her. She was a special person that raised 2 special people.

They let me be there yesterday. They had gotten the call that she was non-responsive. They thought she had seized during the night. She couldn't be woken. They called me. i was the first to arrive. We talked for a little while. They arrived next. We spent a great deal of time with her. We talked about what we were seeing. We talked about things that had happened. We talked about the cardinals at the bird feeder again. We watched the crows arrived and leave again. Different family arrived. They all needed time to be with her. E had me leave about 8 hours later, so i could sleep, for later happening.

They called at 3:30 this morning. She was gone. i went. The candle was lit. i used to find comfort in that candle. Today i found only tears and anger. We all hugged. We all cried. They needed to leave, to be with the kids, to explain (how do you explain) what happened. i could do something for all of them, and myself, that they just couldn't do. i packed up everything. i stayed with her until she was taken away. 9 1/2 hours waiting for her shell to be taken away. About 7 of those hours i spent alone with her.

During those hours, i talked to her. i removed her jewelery. i stroked her hand. i told her how much stuff she had. i complained about having to pack up so much stuff. my Sis came over and helped pack the van. i made Sis leave after that. i needed time alone with her. i told her when i was going out for a smoke. i would kiss her forehead every time i left the room, telling her i would be right back. She got colder with every kiss. At one point, all i wanted to do was warm her up. i tried putting blankets on her. i wanted to put her favourite hat on her. i just wanted her warm again. i cleaned the room, knowing how she wouldn't like it all messy when she was leaving. i thought of putting make-up on her, to make her look pretty. i thought about doing her nails. She loved to have her nails done. i removed the bandages from her elbows. She didn't need anyone seeing those. She hated having them on. i sat beside her and cried. i sat beside her and talked. i sat beside her and told her about the acrobatic squirrel that was back. i kept the shades open so she could feel the warmth of the sun on her body. i stayed until the funeral home came to take her away.

The staff let me be. They let me do what i needed to do. They let me talk to them when i needed to talk, ask questions, be proud of her. Some who knew her really well, and had met me on the days i was there, with her, hugged me. Even told me to hug them. But most of all, they let me be alone with her.

i know it wasn't her there. i know it was just the shell of her. i know it didn't make any real sense to be so worried about what i was saying to her, or how she looked, or about how cold she was. i know she wasn't there to chastise me for not wearing a coat when i went out for a smoke, but i wore one anyways. i know she wasn't there to make sure i ate breakfast, but i did anyways.

They would say i was helping them. They would say that they just couldn't do what i was doing. i say they were helping me. i say they let me grieve in a way i needed to. i say they let me do what i needed to do. i say they helped me more than i helped them.

i just couldn't leave her by herself without someone that loved her next to her. That is really why i couldn't leave. i needed her to not be alone. i needed to not be alone.

There should have been cardinals.