Thoughts and ponders

Back at the beginning of D's journey and battle, i didn't help out much. i knew that they needed time to be a family while they could. i knew their time together was important, and me stepping in, might be more of an imposition than a help. So i stood back. Yes i was there when they called and needed me. Even still, i sometimes felt guilty.

Logically, i couldn't help all that much. i have responsibilities that keep me from helping as much as i would have liked. Those haven't changed. Those still keep me away from helping out as much as i think i should be. Still, i am there when they call and need me.

Now, as things progress and worsen, i am there. This is a time i know i can help. This is a time i know how to help. i have experience with this because of the MIT. This is a time when D and her family need someone close by that can drop everything and just be there. That i am able to do right now. That i am willing to do right now.

i am able to take D out in her wheelchair without difficulty. i took her out shopping. i am able to just sit and wait and listen in small bursts. i am able to lift and not hurting myself. i am able to change clothes easily without D helping. i am able to do body transfers. i am able to make someone drink when they can't remember. i am able to just sit and count breaths and remind her to breath.

i have practice with all of this. This is what i do with the MIT. For me, it is "easy" to do. For D's family, it isn't. i have been doing this for 16 years. They are not used to this. They need to grieve as it happens. i have been doing this for 16 years. They need to step back to keep their sanity. i have been doing this for 16 years. They need to deal with nurses and doctors and volunteers. i have been doing this for 16 years.

i can hear my therapist now. i can hear her concern that i am putting to much of myself out there. i can hear her worry about how i am going to feel when this is all over. i can hear myself wonder how things will change once it is all over. i can hear her wonder when i will have time for myself. i can hear her wonder how much energy i will have left at the end of the day, week, month. But now, now is when i can help.

Now i know how to help. i offer my help freely, with no thought of anything in return. This is the best present they could have given me. Time to be with D and give them piece of mind while i am there. Now i don't feel so guilty.