Fear, Guilt and Shame

I was raped on Friday July 1st.  I feel like it was all my fault.  I put myself in that situation.  I consented to one act.  When that act was not enough for him, things changed.

When asked if I liked anal and said no, it was ignored.  When I said "not there", when feeling his penis against my rectum, it was ignored.  I kept saying "not there" when he pushed himself into me.  I cried.  I said "no".  I said "no" again, as he pulled himself out of me and pushed back in.  I tried to get him off of me.  I finally managed to use my foot to knock him off balance.  That was were it ended. 

He did not get to ejaculate.  He stood there while I cried, putting on my underwear and flip flops.  He kept telling me to smile because that would me I was ok.  He was more worried about his ex finding out, than about how I was. 

I came home and called my Sister.  She came over.  While she was on her way, I called the confidential rape hot line, because I needed to hear that even though I consented to one aspect of it, I didn't to the other, and that it was indeed rape.  When Sis got here, I drove myself to the police station.  He was watching me leave in his doorway.  I reported it.  I went to the hospital and had a rape kit done.  I gave up my clothes that I had been wearing.  I did all I had to do. 

I tried to pretend that it didn't happen most of Saturday.  Then a detective with the sexual assault team contacted me.  I went in and gave me official video statement.  I had Mom drive me.  I couldn't drive myself there, or even home, after. 

I have been hiding in the house.  See, the man that raped me, lives next door.  It happened in his house.  I am scared of seeing him again.  I am scared of him trying to talk to me.  I am scared of him seeing me.  I look out my window all the time to see if his truck is there.  I have moved from sitting out front of my house, enjoying the kids playing, to hiding on my back patio, where I can pretend he won't see me.  I jump when I hear a door close.  I jump when someone says hello to me.  I hate when people ask me how I am doing because it is all so raw, and all I can think of saying is "no, I was raped".

I don't want the people in the complex to know about it.  I have told 3 people.  One wanted to hug me.  One did hug me.  One wants to kill the guy for me (or at least hurt him really badly).  I haven't told any of them who he is.  I am waiting on the police to do what ever it is they are going to do.  I hope they arrest him.  If that happens, he can't come back here.  I won't have so much of a reason to be scared. 

I know I will still be scared.  I have been dressed in scrubs since it happened.  No more skirts for me right now.  No more showing my legs, or any part of my body.  I hate even wearing flip-flops, because my toes are visible. I haven't been very good to Charlie.  I haven't taken him to the park in 3 days.  I have only taken him on a walk once since it happened.  This isn't good for either of us.  Showering, since the long one I took Friday night, has not been a priority, because then I will look pretty. 

I don't feel pretty.  I feel dirty.  I feel like I must not have been clear enough, or it wouldn't have happened.  I feel like I am a raw ball of hurt and fear.  I have been snapping at TJ.  I have been snapping at those I love.  They are all putting up with it, but for how long? How long can I feel so scare.  Fear is not a healthy place to be.

So for now, I hide.  I hide from everyone in the neighbourhood.  I hide from him and his ex.  I hide from people I know and people I don't know.  My best friend doesn't even know.  I am not allowed to speak to my Sister about this anymore.  She will end up testifying if this goes to court. 

DBT teaches us to do the opposite to what we are feeling so we can heal quicker.  To radically accept what has happened.  To reward ourselves when we choose not to do "problem" behaviour. 

I have been hiding.  That is how I feel.  I have not acted opposite to this feeling.  I have not dressed myself like I normally would.  I have not been taking care of myself like I normally would.  I don't know how to act opposite to this fear.I am not ready to act differently.

I have not been doing any problem behaviour.  I have not cut myself.  I continually want to.  I want to scar myself.  I want to watch my blood pour out so at least that is cleansed.  I monitor how I feel when I do have a shower.  If start wanting to scrub myself until I bleed, I decide to either end the shower, or not have one at all.  I have not had any alcohol.  I have wanted to drink myself into oblivion to forget.  I know it won't help me forget.  I know it will just bring all the fears further to the front of how I am feeling. 

To radically accept, it doesn't mean I have to say what happened to me was ok.  It means that I accept the fact that it happened, that I am doing what I can about it, and that it just is a part of my reality right now.  I can't even wrap my head around that.  All I can think about is how wrong I was, to put myself in that situation.  How wrong I was about this guy.  How it is all my fault.  How what I was wearing was part of the problem.  How being friendly to anyone can do this. 

So for now, I am hiding.  I am watching when his vehicle is here and acting like he is going to approach me.  I am scared of anyone asking me "how are you".  I am scared to go to sleep because of the dreams.  I am scared to be alone.  So I hide, in my house, or on my back patio. 

I wish I could get angry about this.  I haven't gotten there yet.  I am too scared to be angry.