Therapy and accepting

When Sandy called me into my session yesterday, she asked me how i was. i said "i am curled up in the fetal position surrounded by a ball of grief." That was the best way i could describe how i have been feeling. Swallowed up in a bubble of memories (good and bad) without knowing how to get out, and really, without the need to get out. i spent the entire hour crying. Almost getting angry at times with having to feel that way. But i didn't try to stop it. i just kept letting it out. Feeling all the sadness, all the loneliness, all the pain. Hating every moment of feeling that way.

It was good, in a way. It is what Sandy and i have been talking about so much. About letting myself just feel. Feel the sadness. Feel the pain. Just feel and let the feelings come, and feel them. No fighting them. No trying to hide myself by cleaning and doing anything but feeling. Just letting my self grieve and feel and (in my head) get it over with. OK, the getting it over with isn't the best attitude, but it is the one i am talking myself through so i can actually feel like there is joy somewhere after all this grief.

So that is what i am going to be doing. i am going to be just feeling. If i feel sad, i will let the tears come, and feel sad. If i feel pain, i will let the tears, or anger or what ever else happens, just come and feel pain. No trying to hide behind a book. No trying to push the emotions back. Just the knowledge that this month is going to be a hard month, full of memories that make me feel, and let those feelings come out.

So, for now, i sit and wrap myself in His robe. Using it as a way to feel His arms around me. Using it as a way to surround my with memories of Him and i together. i even slept with it on. i woke up with my eyes glued together from all the crying i did, either in my sleep or when i was heading into sleep. At least i am feeling right now. God i hate feeling, but i am not going to fight it.

Tonight/today i am spending with L & D. i know if i have a breakdown of emotion, they won't hold it against me. i know that i will be in a safe place, surrounded by them both. i just hope i don't ruin their time.