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Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Living in the past

That is how i feel as i am writing right now. i wake up each morning thinking it is last year. i sit at the computer waiting for Him to message me in the morning, sure i will hear from Him today. See today would be Monday. Today would be Him going to work, messaging me once He got there, and talking to Him once i get the MIT off to school. Tonight it would be me at His place. We would be spending quiet time together. Just us. Talking, relaxing, some play mixed in. It shouldn't have been the last time.

Yesterday, the last time i woke up, Him lying beside me, and me sneaking out to get Him a coffee from Tim Horton's. It was the last Sunday we spent relaxing together in the morning, feeling like we had the whole day to ourselves. It was the last birthday party i had for Him. It was the last time i would get to surprise Him in a way that made Him happy. It was the last time we played together. i mean REALLY played together. It was the last time He had me on a spanking bench. It was the last time He used most of His toys on me. It was the last time i wore His collar and cuffs. Yesterday was the last time a group of us were to be together thinking happy things. Yesterday was the last time i got to say "happy birthday Master". It shouldn't have been the last time.

Tomorrow will be the last time i slept with Him. It would be the last time i see Him sitting at my computer. It will be the last time He wrote in His journal. It will be the last time He was feeling like He would make it to being 50 years old. It will be the last time, walking to the bedroom together. It will be the last time He asked to see my ass, and admire any marks He left there. It will be the last time feeling His body next to me as i fall asleep, feeling His breath on the back of my neck, feeling His lips on the sweet spot on my neck. It will be the last time i will have sex with Him. It will be the last time i hear Him call me His slut, His property, His to do with as He pleases. It will be the last time i feel Him over me, hear His breathing change, feel the sweat falling onto my back, feel His fingers on my nipple. It will be the last time we are together, in what is now my bed. It shouldn't have been the last time.

Thursday will be the last time He woke me before going to work. It will be the last time waking up to His message to me and talking to me each morning. It will be the last time i get to talk to Him online. It will be the last time of seeing His face, either in person, or on the computer. It is the last time i get to hear Him say He loves me, promise He loves me, telling me how important i am to Him. Thursday will be the last time of having Him in my life. Thursday will be the last time He will say "talk to you later baby". It shouldn't have been the last time.

Thursday will be the day i am at my friend's place, enjoying my self before my cell phone rings. Thursday will be the day i am told He has died. It will be the day i could not do what i had promised Him in regards to what i was to do if He died. It will be the day i can't go into His apartment and erase His computer, or take the toys out of His apartment, or even get to see Him dead. Thursday will be the day i feel myself break. Thursday will be the day i loose a part of who i am, and still haven't found it. Thursday will be the day that has changed my life so much.

i wake up feeling like it is a year ago. i feel like i am back in that week, living the story, unable to change what happens next, unable to stop turning the page, and knowing what the ending is like. i don't know how, feeling so lost, to find a way out of the story.

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