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Saturday, December 20, 2008

i thought i was over it

So, a post about what happened with L&d. i think it is about time. It all happened in October. Well, it came to a head in October. It started before that. i am not completely sure, since they didn't talk to me about it. i only know what broke the camel's back. i only know about my actions. i can not comment on their perception of the events, as they have never talked to me about it. So this is my take on it.

In August, i made a decision that i would be a part of summer camp as a demo helper. This was when i was the odd man out. i was the only one of our "group" that was single. i decided that i didn't want to be totally alone during camp, and decided that volunteering for play would be a good way for me to feel involved and not so alone. i know the "group" didn't really approve, but i knew i could handle it. i knew that i wanted to do it. i knew that i wasn't in the mood to get their approval, after they had kept me on the back burner for so long. At camp, things were fine. So i thought.

After camp, i kept in touch with L&d. i called at least once a week, to stay in contact. i emailed them and sent them messages. This had been an issue in the past as far as they were concerned, so i thought i could keep their friendship by doing what they wanted. i never got a call back. i never got an email back. The only time i heard from them, was when D's health issue came to light, and they wanted information. Still i kept up the calls.

When i found the lump in my breast, in September, i tried to talk to them about it. i called and called. i kept trying to talk to them about it, because i didn't think P&E could handle it. i tried. Still nothing from them. They were my friends, but they wouldn't call. They wouldn't talk to me. i had to deal with it all on my own. One day, i couldn't and i posted it in my status on Facebook. Not the right way to deal, but the only outlet i had. i felt like i had no support. i felt like the two people i could talk to about it had let me down. So i lashed out. That was the straw.

The venom that was sent to me, over that tiny mistake, was over the top. It was hurtful and so full of anger. It was painful, at a time when i needed support. L&d lashed out at me on behalf of P&E, and D. E forgave me that night. L&d couldn't. Since then, i have had no contact with them. They couldn't even see me to bring me back my stuff. i now know that the "straw" was an excuse to not continue the friendship on their part. i know i did what i could to keep the friendship going. i called at least once a week, to stay in contact. i emailed them, and sent them messages. Never a call back, and never a message back. They were freezing me out, and when i needed them the most. In October, i told the doctor about it. She was sending me for a mammogram. It was booked within 3 days from when i told the doctor about it. i was freaking because everything was happening so fast. i still called them, hoping to be able to talk to them about it. Nothing from them. Then, i "announced to the world" what was going on with me, they jumped down my throat. They never voiced concern over my health. They never contacted me to find out the results.

Geeze, i thought i was over it. i guess i am not. i am still angry at them. They blamed me for not being a good friend and i was the one that was trying so hard to keep them close to me, and then, when i found the lump in my breast, they just put me down for the way i handled how i was feeling, after trying to reach out to them so often to talk to someone about it, and they blew me off.

That really hurt. It still hurts. i thought they cared about me. i thought they liked me. i thought they were there for me. i guess i thought wrong. Hell, i know now how wrong i was. i was pursuing a friendship they had already decided wasn't worth it. Why couldn't they just tell me before, so i didn't feel so alone. Why couldn't they just let it go, and tell me they couldn't do it anymore instead of stringing me along and leaving me out in the cold when i needed them so much? God they really hurt me. They let me down, with no consideration of my feelings.

That isn't a friendship. Friendship is considering how others feel, and not letting them down when you don't agree with them, and accepting that people make mistakes, and telling them when they are pissing you off, and not holding grudges. They weren't my friends. i was a person they could string along, and keep close when they wanted, but ignore and throw away when it was no longer convenient for them. It is nice to know i don't have to work so hard at that friendship anymore, or live up to expectations that are unreachable and weren't even reciprocated.

So, that is the story, from my perspective, of how the friendship ended. i am sure they have a different perspective. There is always another side to each story. i don't know what their side is, because they have never talked to me about it. They have never said what it was that made them stop calling me back. They never said what precipitated all the anger they later threw my way. i know i will never know for sure what it was that started their silent treatment. All i know is what happened after i announced my lump.

On the lump front, i have had a mammogram, i have had two ultrasounds, i have had a biopsy. The biopsy came back benign. It is a lipoma. The result finally came back on the 12th. If it changes, we start the journey again to find out if the diagnosis changes.

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