On Monday, Charlie had his first surgery. He was neutered. No biggy. He handled it all very well. He hasn't really licked at or bitten at his stitches. That isn't what this post is about.
This post is about the worry, guilt, sadness, anger and panic I am feeling right now, as Charlie is in surgery to have 5 razor blades removed from his stomach.
Worried - He might not make it. The blades could have moved from his stomach, lower, putting him at more risk. He could be fine, but my mind is on how much this is costing me, my family, and him not making it
Guilt - I didn't check the bathroom to make sure there was nothing he could get at, since there has never been anything for him to get at. I had to ask my Mom and Dad for $4000 to pay for the surgery and there is going to be more costs involved post surgery. This is my dog and I should be able to pay for anything that happens to him. Yes I have insurance, but that only covers part of what the expense is going to be.
Sadness - I am home alone without my baby. I want him here. I can't fix it. I have to count on someone else to fix it. I want to be in that operating room with him right now. I miss him. He isn't in his crate. I didn't get to feed him dinner. What if he is hungry? I miss him. I need him here.
Anger - TJ moved the damned razor and made this all possible. If TJ didn't do that, none of this would have happened. Why does TJ have to be such an ass about everything being moved or how he likes it? Why can't he just leave things alone? Why did he have to move my razor?
Panic - all these feelings mixing together and I want to cut and drink and eat and I know I shouldn't. Right now I am just sitting here, second by second, telling myself what a good girl I am for not doing any of those things. Cheer leading was never my strong suit, so this is hard, but I am making it.
I am making it so that when the vet calls, I can be coherent enough to hear what she says. To hear how he is. To understand what happens next and when I can see him.
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