Hanging by a thread

That is how I have been feeling lately.  Like I am hanging by a thread, and more and more weight is pulling, and pulling me to the point where I just can't hold on any longer.

First it was TJ in emergency.  Second was Charlie getting neutered.  Third was Charlie eating the razor.  Forth was TJ's change in his room (will talk about this) Fifth was TJ not eating (will talk about this).  Sixth was the washing machine breaking. Seventh was the van needing making grinding noises when breaking (will talk about this also).  Eighth was the van going in and the estimate for that (will talk about).  Ninth was Dad "fixing" my washing machine (will talk about).  Tenth is my Mom yelling at me at every turn.

So, on the 16th, Mom and Dad came over and put a new TV in TJ's room.  That should have been no big deal.  The big deal was that Dad needed my help to install the TV and digital cable box.  It just wouldn't work.  Add Mom being bossy, Charlie needing help, and TJ watching "on demand" all at the same time, and me feeling like I being pulled in so many directions.  I had to actually yell about someone taking Charlie out of the house for a short bit, so I could actually help Dad.

On the 17th (and partly the 16th) TJ decided that his stomach hurt / was upset and he couldn't eat.  He was still drinking, but wouldn't eat anything.  It was thought that he gave eating up for lent, but that wasn't really what happened.  He has stopped telling us when his head is hurting, because none of me medications he can take, help his head.  Going along with this, migraines make his stomach yucky. Tuesday I was really scared.  Kept TJ home Wednesday (the 23, turned out to be a snow day) so I could take him to the doctor's.  That was a flop, so I kept him home on Thursday (24) and was able to get him seen.  The doctor gave him Boost.  I have convinced TJ that Boost is a medicine lie what they gave Charlie after his surgery, to coat the stomach, and make it feel better.  Since drinking the first bottle Thursday at lunch, TJ has had pizza Thursday night, oatmeal and hot chocolate Friday morning, his second dose of Boost and pizza for lunch on Friday, and pigged out at my Nana's house.  So I am feeling much better about all that.

Wednesday (the 23) morning I put a load in the washing machine, and it broke.  The agitator stopped.  I told my parents.  Dad decided he wanted to come over and fix it. So I now have TJ home from school, and Dad here, along with caring for Charlie.  TJ is settled in his room, so he isn't a problem, but Charlie still needs to stay out of Dad's way, and be kept happy. Eventually, Dad figures out the part that is the problem (4 hours later) and so we clean up the kitchen so Charlie can run free, but TJ is still home and the nurse is supposed to be here, so I can take Charlie out for a walk.  Nurse cancels, because she has had a car accident.  I get yelled at Mom for not being nice to Dad, and then hung up on when Mom doesn't like that I put the phone to Dad's ear to tell her I have been nice, and I am stressed.  No walk for Charlie or for me.  Hanging by a thread.

Thursday I am supposed to see Karen.  Instead, that is the time I can take TJ in to see the doctor.  Doctor gives us the magic Boost.  I call Karen to cancel, and start crying on the phone because everything is feeling like a weight on me.  Take TJ to the doctor.  Solve the eating problem because I am still able to manipulate TJ, and then Dad takes my van in to get an estimate.  I give him the instructions on what ODSP needs if they are going to help pay for the repairs.  3 hours later, Dad finally goes and picks-up the van, and brings back a copy of the fax they sent.  It doesn't have my name on it.  That has to be on it for ODSP to consider it.  Call ODSP, then call Ford back, and have them re-fax the estimate.

Today (Friday 25), TJ goes to school and me more relaxed because he ate breakfast.  I have a dentist appointment, go and then come home.  Dad now comes over to fix the washing machine.  This kills my schedule with Charlie, and means Charlie is on leash in the house.  Dad takes from 1:30 - 4:30 to get the job done, but while working on it, another part falls out, and Dad gets hurt.  Mom calls I am frustrated because it feels like the washer won't get fixed and is actually getting worse.  She calls and starts yelling at me. TJ comes home.  Mom calls again, talks to TJ, asks to talk to me, yells at me and I hang up.  Mom comes to pick-up TJ and tells me how frustrated she was when she was yelling at me, and I explain how frustrated I was when she was yelling at me, and Dad says we are all done with it, and Mom walks away saying "I don't think so".
Dad comforts me.  The washer is working (then we find 2 screws - don't ask). He leaves, and I run a load through the machine.  Charlie and I have dinner, and then we lie down on my bed and fall asleep.  TJ comes home early from karate (I didn't answer the phone when Mom called to let me know this is happening).  I put Charlie in his crate (since it is crate time) and stay lying in bed until 10:45 when I finally put TJ to bed.

And so now, I am awake. I will be heading back to bed soon.  I need to make sure I am ok for taking Charlie over to Mom and Dad's for play time tomorrow.

The good news is, I have not done any problem behaviour.  I have really wanted to.  I mean, really, really want to. Even right now, I would love to cut.  I would love to just take enough pills to not wake-up tomorrow.  I would even add booze to the pills.  I am not doing this.  I am sleeping a lot (not a good thing) but I am not doing any problem behaviour.  Karen says that is a good thing.  I have also been effective during all of this.  I have called ODSP about the van.  I have taken TJ to the doctor.  I have hit or killed anyone.  My washer is fixed.  TJ is "fixed".  Soon the van will be fixed.  I guess that means the DBT therapy is working.  I hate that I am crying so much.  I hate that I can't just push my feelings aside and become that robot I used to be.  It feels like it makes my thread a little thinner.

Thelma is scheduled to come tomorrow. 

Earth day is tomorrow, and I intend to celebrate it the same way I always do. Candles and a fire out back.  Maybe that will help me to relax and start to feel normal again.