Snow

It is snowing nicely outside. Enough for me to feel cozy not leaving the house, or going outside. Enough for my brain to justify staying in doors.

The bad thoughts are still there. They are not leaving me. The ones about hurting someone else are less. They were more of a way to justify the big black thought of me leaving without guilt, and less to do with hurting another. i still have to talk to the doctor tomorrow. i am worried about going into the hospital, but know that if she says i need to go, i will. i know i can't go on like this. i have promised not to do it between now and Christmas. i made that promise to my Mom, and to my Sister. i will keep that promise. i did not promise to stop thinking about it. Mom understands that. She knows that i am in a very dark place and can't find my way out. She thinks i at least need stronger drugs.

i want to get better. i want to feel joy in the mornings, or even any part of the day. i don't want to dread each day. i want it to be less of a struggle to get moving in a good direction. i want to stop faking that everything is ok.

Tomorrow is the doctor. Tomorrow i explain how dark it really is inside me. Tomorrow i will either come home or will be admitted into the hospital.