Being OK is actually OK

Today was therapy day. It was a good session. When Sandy asked how i was, i came right out and said that i was OK. i am getting used to being OK. i am dreading a time when i am not so OK, but i am enjoying being OK right now. Sandy is happy for me. She also understands that i am prepared for not being OK. She assured me that i do have the tools for when i am not OK. That was nice to hear.

We talked about how i didn't get depressed over being lied to by some guy. i didn't get depressed over the issues surrounding the MIT and school, or His cutting. i didn't get manic either. i didn't hurt myself. i cleaned. i danced around the house. i was OK.

We also talked about the MIT. Guess what. She agrees He is depressed, and wants me to push His seeing a psychiatrist. Duh. He has been depressed for a number of years. He hates Himself. The new acting out (cutting and hitting Himself) are just a progression of His depression. i had already decided to push His seeing someone more than just His Beth. Stuff is getting to the point that i don't think she can handle it. It was nice hearing Sandy back me up in how i have been feeling about the MIT. She also reassured me that with the tools that i have, i am doing the best for my son.

Right now it is snowing. i am enjoying watching it fall. It keeps flipping from giant, fluffy flakes, to the small, drizzly kind. i know a lot of people are sick of the snow and miss the sun. i have been getting my sun when it is out. i stand out side, basking in it. i open all my blinds and let it shine in the windows. i am also surrounding myself with flowers of the spring. Tulips on my alter. A pot of daffodil bulbs on my kitchen table. i have been keeping my green stuff healthy. All 4 plants on my file cabinet. 2 plants on my desk. 2 plants above my TV. 4 plants in my kitchen. i feel better when i am surrounded by green and colour.

i am also looking forward to the MIT's 16th birthday. i got my income tax back, and i am going to splurge and get Him a Nintendo DS. i had thought about a Wii, but i doubt He would play it as much as the DS. i am also looking forward to my birthday. The MIT has decided that we are going to the Mandarin for my birthday dinner. i know He has already gotten my gift. He did it when i was at therapy. It will be a good time.

Soon to be 38, and still counting. That is remarkable in its own right, considering how suicidal i have been.