Still processing

i am still processing the death of Leslie, and why it is throwing me for such a loop. i guess the idea that i will outlive my child (forgoing car accident, death by illness or anything like that). It is hard to wrap my head around, even though i have had to continually process the idea for his entire life.

The MIT and i talked about His funeral again. We talked about how He isn't going to die until He is 200. We talked about how everyone will be made to wear a red top and green pants. There will be no balloons or flowers, He hates those. There will be rap music. He wants Mike Myers to be there, dressed like Shrek and "Fat B", combined. We talked about me crying, and being more upset about His dying than Mike's (He needed to hear that), because i have known Him longer. We talked about who else He wants to be there. We talked about His now wanting a "big box" rather than a "little box". He even knows who He wants to do the service.

The talk was done in a light manner. He kept asking how old i would be when He dies at 200 (222 for the record), and how old everyone else would be.

He is so fascinated by the idea that in heaven, He won't have AHC anymore. How it would be so much better than now. i won't let Him read the announcement or any of the other emails because of this. People keep sending their condolences and saying how much better it is for Leslie since she won't be suffering any more. i just don't see that as being the MIT.
Yes He struggles, and yes He gets frustrated, but He isn't suffering. He is living. He is thriving. He is exploring His world more. He is showing His need for Independence more.

This weekend, He is going to respite. i will have 2 nights of sleep. i need this weekend to ponder and process. i need this time to figure out how Leslie's death is really making me feel. i need this time to really look at my expectations for the MIT over the next few years. i need this time to decide if i want to start "fixing" the MIT, so He can be here longer, or if i just deal with one crisis at a time, and live each day for itself. Processing is the key to this weekend.