Panic......Attack!!!!!!

So, i called E and she said i have every right to be in the middle of a panic attack.  Great.  Now what.  i know, keep breathing.  Take deep breaths.  Relax and go with how i am feeling.  Cry if i feel like crying.  Sleep if i feel like sleeping.  Do what it is my body needs me to do. 

See, today started with last night.  Last night i went looking for someone to look after the MIT today (He is ill) so i could go to school and therapy.  Couldn't find anyone, including my Mom.  This morning, i had no choice but to go begging to my Mom for help.  i am sure she will never let me forget it. 

Next i had my first formal practicum today.  i got to do a full session on a volunteer that my teacher has been doing reflexology on for god knows how long.  i know walking in on this that the client will be comparing what i do with how V does it.  That makes me nervous.  Add to that, my already stressed start, and i am having to do that self-talk that i know what i am doing, and that i can take as long as i need.  The other student is going fast, and i am taking my time, working on reflexes that are associated with my client's problems and complaints.  i am using light pressure since she is and uncontrolled diabetic, is on blood thinners, and has heart problems.  i didn't get any feedback at the end of the session.  None even from V.  i finally asked the right questions and was told that yes i had been using a lighter pressure than the client was used to, but since it was my first time with her, and considering her health history, i did the right thing.

Move on to my therapy session.  It started 1/2 hour later than scheduled.  It includes my actual psychiatrist.  A medical professional that doesn't buy my happy go lucky attitude as i walk in the door.  She was able to get me crying in less than 5 minutes of talking to me by asking the right questions.  i am sure she will be telling my councilors how to do the exact same thing.  Great, just great. 

And now i sit here realizing that tomorrow, i am actually going to a play party.  A play party in the same dungeon that Mike and i help build.  A dungeon that Mike and i played in together.  A dungeon i have never played in unless Mike was there. 

Add next -
Problem : i need to shave, and my hands are shaking.  i can't see shaving the "dangly bits" with shaky hands.  Especially when i can't even see the "dangly bits" without a mirror, and more flexibility than i actually posses. 
Solution : i guess i wait.  i can't take meds to help me relax and then expect to be able to shave.  i just wouldn't care if i cut myself.  Then again, it might be fun to feel that again.  That rush of pain and hormone.  i haven't had that feeling in over a month.  i think the last time was back in October.

So, yeah, i am panicking.  i am stressed and worried about tomorrow night.  i shouldn't be, there is nothing that can go "wrong".  It doesn't matter to anyone i am going with, or to those that know i am going, how i will react.  There is really nothing to logically be worried about.  Yet i am, and i still need to shave.  (oh yeah, and i feel like my house is a mess, and i have stuff to hide before i have company come over tomorrow)

AAAARRRRGGGGGG (this is me running around the neighbourhood, naked, pulling my hair out)

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