Yesterday was a big day. There were ups and downs and stuff i haven't really processed yet.
i went with L, D and the girls to see Happy Feet. It wasn't what i expected. It was advertised as this really good cartoon for kids. Cute and cuddly kind of movie. In the beginning, that was what it was. It was adorable with a the laying of the ground work of the message about how being different wasn't always a bad thing. Then, things went weird. There was stuff about religion blended in. There was an environmental message in there about how we (humans) are bad and destroying the earth. There was the overly done message about being different. The movie left a bad taste in my mouth. There was a review of the movie in the Boston Globe that said most of how i feel about the movie. Of course i didn't read it until after i had seen the movie. i would have been more prepared if i had read it before.
After the movie, L and i went out clothes shopping and basic running around. Clothes shopping was fun. L found she can fit in a smaller size than she used to. i found something to wear that is completely different than anything i have worn to a play party before. It was really fun. L advised me on what She liked me in, and i took Her advice. It wasn't a "She choose it for me", which was nice. i was having a problem with wanting to not think and be told what to do, but trying not to get back into old habits of hiding behind someone else when i should be taking responsibility for myself. Anyways, after a few more stops, we headed back to my place to get ready for the party.
Walking into the party was hard. Harder still, was seeing someone that looked like Mike in the back of the room. The same old glasses, the same hair style when i first met Him, and a slight facial similarity. That really threw me off. Then finding people i had pulled away from (and i mean really pulled away from) being there. People i had counted on right after Mike had died, and who let me down by being thoughtless. People i had never told how i truly felt about them. They each came up to me and gave me hugs. They each were excited to see me. At least the one i hated the most stayed in her chair. That made me feel better.
i haven't really processed all i felt about the being in that dungeon.
This, being December usually means a lot to me. It usually means i have decorations all over the house, lights hooked up outside, a general giddiness about the upcoming season. i am not really feeling it this year. i have one decoration up in the living room. One. No lights outside. Some snow window clings up. That is really it. i haven't even brought up the entire Rubbermaid of "pre-tree" decorating stuff. i am getting angry at myself because of it. i want to be able to enjoy this season as much as i have in the past. i want to be able to want to decorate my house. Hell that isn't it, i want to decorate my house, but it is like i don't feel like i should be enjoying this season. It is like there is a part of me that wants to wallow. It is like i am fighting 2 different emotions. As i sit here, i can't figure out what to go with. Hell, i hadn't expected to write this part of how i was feeling at all. i want to put decorations up. i want to enjoy the holiday. i want to be excited. i have bought gifts. i have enjoyed buying gifts. i have been avoiding Christmas cartoons and music. i figured that would just make me feel worse. But it is tradition. It was tradition before Mike came into our lives, why can't it still be tradition now? Maybe that is it. Maybe all this is about me thinking i need to feel / act a different way than i usually do, and the rest of my head pushing me to realize it is still a time of year i like. That it is ok to enjoy stuff, even if Mike isn't here.
Guess i have a couple of things to process.
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