Stewing and Birthday wishes

i am still very angry at Mike. i had held on so long, even during our relationship, that He never treated me as an extra. Coming to that realization is making me feel very angry. Well, angry and guilty and stupid. Angry because i was an extra to Him. Angry because i deserve to be treated more than an extra. Angry because i still feel like an extra. Guilty because He is dead and can't defend His actions, and make me feel better about this. Guilty because i am angry at a dead man. Stupid because i never saw it before. No that isn't true. i remember saying it to Him before. Stupid because i needed to believe Him when He told me i was wrong. Stupid because i wasn't wrong. Stupid because i am angry at a dead man.

So, i am putting that aside for a moment right now. i need something else to think about. i have been thinking about what i want for my birthday. So, here is my list

1. a flip phone, instead of the box thingy i have right now for my cell.
2. a book by Laurell K. Hamilton called Danse Macabre.
3. a good spanking, caning, whipping, cutting, pain filled time.
4. the reclining chair i want so badly for my reflexology quest.
5. to be fisted
6. a one day cleaning lady (or team) to come in and clean this house from top to bottom, so i have a starting point to continue (this would include dusting and vacuuming and washing floors, and cleaning windows).
7. all the previous seasons of 24.
8. to be given oral sex, for longer than 3 minutes (not one of Mike's favourite activities as a Top)
9. my friends all over for a good time on a Saturday night (hopefully being able to deal with number 3).
10. the excess hair on my body removed, a facial, a real pedicure and manicure, a back treatment (basically a day of being pampered)

Those are the things i want for my birthday. That is how i want to be treated for my birthday. This would be a dream birthday for me. God the idea of actually having marks on my body while i attend the "party" at my parent's place the next day is filling me. i haven't had a good "workout" since last year, and that was because i requested it. The first "workout" i got for a birthday present that i didn't ask for was during the first DSSG Beginner's workshop, that actually was held on my birthday in 2001. Also the one a few years before that, when 2 special people gave me a private party. Other than those, including the 6 birthdays i had with Mike in my life, i don't really remember any special energy put into what would happen on my birthday.

Why did i accept so much less from Mike than what i gave Him. i would plan to take Him to Bingo (a favourite of His) even though i didn't like it. i would make Him a special meal. i would put thought into His gifts. Then again, i am so mad at Him, that i can't seem to remember that kind of stuff right now. i seem to be only able to think of the bad stuff at the moment.