i did go to therapy yesterday. i walked in hyper and unsettled, and it never changed the entire time i was there. i felt spastic. i felt out of control. i dug my finger nails into my hand. i cried and begged for help. i forgot that they are just there for me to help myself.
After asking over and over how i was to handle this "season" but getting the same answer, which was what did i think i should or could do, we came up with a couple of ideas
1) Never leave the house or vehicle again, except for things like appointment. Not very practical or economical. Yes i could use Grocery Gateway for food, or order in. Yes i could stay in my van to actually get cash at drive thru tellers. Yes i could only have my iPod playing when i was out of the house. All options but like i said, not very practical or economical.
2) Just fight my way through it. Just block out how i have been feeling because it is weak of me to cry, and blubber, and not be able to do anything like go get groceries. Just keep burying how i am feeling and deal with it on the other side. Yeah, ok. Like that is actually going to work. Sure i could drink or self medicate myself all the way past the new year, but that would be no go for either the MIT or i. Plus, why would i set myself up to fail like that
3) Ask for help. Actually ask people i know that i know care for me to help me. Ask people to go shopping with me, so that i am not doing it alone. Ask people if i can just chat with them on the cell phone while i am shopping. Ask people to drive me places. Not just any people, but friends.
So i chose option number 3. And i hate it. i feel so weak and vulnerable. i feel like such a suck. i feel like i should be "over it" and be able to do what needs to be done. i could hear E's voice in my head while discussing this option. "Would you think I was weak if i asked for help?" "Would you think less of me it I was crying?". i get that i hold myself to a higher standard than i expect for anyone else. i get that i think i should be the one that is always there for others, and that i am strong. i am finding i am not as strong as i think i need to be. This is so hard for me. i feel like i should be stronger and more able to handle it all. Why can't i just be the one that others ask for help?
So i asked for help. i asked my Mom if she would be available to sometimes take me to go shopping so i wouldn't have to drive and didn't have to be alone sometimes. i called and asked E if she would be ok with me asking her for help, and if she thought any less of me for doing so. i talked to L and man, did i get an earful.
She gave me a different way of looking at asking for help. She said that maybe i would be making others happy by asking and letting them help me. That i could be providing them a service by letting them help me. That by asking friends for help, i was doing it for them, and not for myself.
i'd like to say i could accept that other way of thinking, but then i am not allowing myself to help myself. i am making it about others (which i could easily wrap my head around) and not myself, and actually avoid the idea that i am human and actually can have weak moments and actually require assistance from others. This is something i do have to learn. This is something i do have to embrace about myself. It is going to be hard and i am not going to always like it, and i know i am going to learn this kicking and screaming. i also know that it will not kill me to do this. Heck, it might actually help me.
Ok, yes it will help me. Crying doesn't make me weak. Grieving 6 months after Mike's death is not to long. Being human isn't a bad thing. Letting myself feel things isn't a bad thing.
(yes this is me trying to convince myself)
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