A Knew way of saying things

i did go to school and to therapy yesterday.  i also went to the doctor's to fix some paperwork issues.  It was a busy day.

At school i learned that as of next week, i can start booking volunteer clients for my reflexology course.  That means that as of Dec 1st at 12:00 pm (or there about) i can start getting real people's medical history, set up charts for them, colour and fill in foot charts, and make observations.  It is so cool.  i get to act like a real reflexologist but not charge any money.  i am not even allowed to ask for payment, but can suggest donations.  i am feeling really proud of what i have done with the course, and where i can go with it.  This is going to be an exciting time for me. 

In therapy, i learned that i was no longer saying "have to" but saying "choose to".  It is like that promise i made to myself over a week ago is working.  That by giving myself permission to let the unimportant things go, i am choosing to work more on myself.  i am choosing when and with who i go get groceries.  i am choosing when, and for how long, i sometimes need to take "me time".  i am choosing that i get up early in the morning so the MIT and i have some quiet cuddle time before the rush of the morning happens.  i am choosing to give my self and my time value (ie cleaning L & D's place for pay).  i am choosing more than thinking about having to do stuff.  It felt nice coming to that realization. 

i also found out that i have a couple labels.  i am an avoider (6/7).  That was a "well duh" moment.  i am clinically depressed.  Another "well duh" moment.  i have obsessive compulsive traits.  i have borderline personality disorder traits. At first the labels scared me, but not so much anymore.  So what.  They are just labels to tell the professionals what sorts of things i need to work on.

Back to the "choosing to" though.  i have yet to choose to let myself have enough time grieving.  i still seem to expect to be over it.  i mean, come one, it has been over six months.  i shouldn't be brought to tears over seeing Christmas stuff all over.  i shouldn't be brought to tears when i see something i should be getting Mike for Christmas.  i should be crying when i see something cool Mike would have gotten for the MIT.  i should be getting on with my life.  Then i take a look around me and see that i am.  i am going to school.  i have found something i am interested in and following the dream in that.  i am getting on with life, and i am still allowed to grieve.  i have lots of steps to go through, and lots of emotions to encounter still, but i am facing this stuff instead of just burying my head in the sand and pretending everything is ok.

There is other news, and i think i will make that a post all its own.  It deserves a full post on it, and what is going on. 

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