Meditation

i decided maybe i was feeling out of sorts since i haven't meditated in a very long while.  Like since before Mike died.  Since i was teaching Him how to meditate.  Since way back in April.  So, i thought, why not.  See the thing about meditation, is sometimes it can calm you, and sometimes (like today) it can help you better understand how you are feeling.  What did i feel?  Anger.  Dark and black and hurtful anger.

Angry because i am 36 and here i am having to start over yet again.  Angry because i should be having to feel so alone at being only 36.  Angry at not having Mike here anymore.  Angry that i am not feeling in control.  Angry that i have to feel so much right now.  Angry that i am feeling angry.  Angry that i have been advised to join a grief support group.  Angry that i can't figure out to do with myself.  Angry that i am the one that has to buy my pajamas.  Angry that i had Mike's name still on my Christmas lists.  Angry that He isn't here to help me.  Angry that i have to figure all this out myself. (ok, i know i don't have to do this all on my own, and that i am not alone, but sometimes it just feels that way)

i used to think anger was something i could work with.  i could use it to motivate me.  i could use it to help me feel more in control.  i could use it to gain control if i was feeling out of control.  Not right now i can't.  Right now it is overwhelming me.  It is causing doubt and pushing my control issues button.  It is enveloping me.  Well that is how i feel. 

So i am angry.  Now what?

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