Productivity

Yesterday was a very productive day.  i cleaned house for a special family.  i looked after 2 wonderful girls for 2 hours.  i packed and ate a nutritious lunch.  It was great.  i also learned a lesson.  On Thursdays i need to also pack a light dinner or else i will get home over hungry and eat everything i can find.  Other than that, not a problem in the world. 

i like feeling productive.  i like being able to get stuff done and do it in a way i am proud of it and see a finished product.  Here, when i clean, i just see the MIT messing it up as soon as i do it.  That feels like such a downer.  There, i don't have to see the mess start as soon as people walk in the house.  There i also know that the cleaning is appreciated.  Here, well, it doesn't really matter to the MIT.  He doesn't care if He lives in a mess.  He isn't so appreciative. 

Today is school and therapy.  School i am not looking forward to.  Not today anyways.  i want to run the whole foot procedure that we have learned to date.  Not just the warm-up and then the new techniques.  It just doesn't flow right, and i need to feel the flow to know i am doing it well.  Maybe i will ask some people if i can practice on them this weekend.  That might help. 

On top of that, we are doing a review on Monday.  Reviewing of all the book stuff.  i don't feel i have a grasp on it all.  i feel like i have been skating threw each chapter.  i don't think i have retained any of what i have read.  i guess all i can do is re-read all the chapters and try to hammer it into my head.  We'll see how it goes.

Therapy is not something i ever look forward to.  There always seems to be one more thing i need to learn, get past, work on, without looking at how i have been doing with the last set of assignments.  Again, it feels like i can't grasp it all together.  i can get one set of things (plan something good after therapy), and add another (asking for help from people), but can't put the two things together. 

All in all, i guess i am feeling like i am floundering.  Like i am trying to keep my head above water but keep getting dragged down at every turn.  At least i have little things that i am proud of this week. 

i am proud of being able to find and get the watch i wanted/needed.  i am proud of being able to eat somewhat healthy and take my meds when i am supposed to.  i am proud i am checking my blood sugars more frequently.  i am proud i lost a pound.  i am proud i cleaned my house.  i am proud i knew when i was passed my limit of dealing with things and went home without pushing myself into an anxiety attack.  i am proud of making a plan each day, and proud that i can follow most of it.  i am proud of waking up each morning.  i am proud of keeping up with the laundry.  i am proud that my kitchen isn't being run over by dishes.  i am proud i got all my garbage and recycling out yesterday.  i am proud i haven't snapped at the MIT as often lately.  i am proud of working for money at something that makes me feel good.  i am proud i haven't stopped going to therapy. 

i guess things aren't all that bad.

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A better day

i guess i needed yesterday to be a nothing, sucky day, for today to work out so nicely. 

Yesterday, i thought my doctor's appointment was at 2.  Turned out, it was at 10, and i missed it.  i did still weigh myself, but felt totally stupid.  i got the time wrong by 4 hours.  i have now booked 2 appointments.  One on the 20th, and one on the 4th.  Both are about 11:00.  No way am i going to be late for either of them.  i have written them down all over the place. 

Yesterday i also thought i was ready to get groceries on my own.  i didn't do it in the morning.  i did it when my sister came to watch the MIT.  i did get all the groceries, but came home feeling like i had been accosted by all the people in the store.  People kept bumping into me.  People were loud.  i just couldn't handle it.  i came home, shaking.  i survived i guess.  At least i had what i wanted for breakfast this morning because i did go. 

Today i have been very productive.  i even feel like i have a handle on things.  i vacuumed, i did the dishes, i put laundry away.  i tidied up my place.  i feel good about how i did today.  Tonight i am going to work on my homework for school.  School is on Friday, but i have a busy day tomorrow.  Tonight is the perfect night to work on my homework.

Well, the MIT should be home soon, so i should be going.  *grinning* This is me proud of myself again.

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Finding my limits

i made a list of stuff i wanted to get done today.  i had every intention of following that list.  i really did.  i even got a very important thing done off my list.  i went and got myself that watch. 

It is perfect.  It has 4 alarms (one for each meal/med time).  i got the strap i wanted and it was put on.  i am happy with it.  i am even wearing it now.  All the alarms are set.  i am very proud of myself for getting it.

What i didn't expect was it to take so much out of me.  Walking threw the mall was so hard.  i had my Mom drive me, and she helped me pick out my watch.  She also allowed me the freedom to look at the Christmas stuff or not.  She was great.  After that i was supposed to go and get groceries, and i just couldn't do it.  i felt totally exhausted and drained.  i was at the end of my rope, from just walking in the mall. 

i am proud that i got my watch, and proud that i knew when i was ready to go home.  i am proud i didn't push myself past the point of stress.  i am glad i didn't have to go home and collapse from feeling so out of it.  Sure i didn't get everything on my list done, but i am not snappy at the MIT.  i do not feel like my world is at an end again.  i do not feel totally out of control. 

i learned to listen to my body, heart, and head and not push myself too hard.  i learned what my limit of the day was.

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Goals

So, now that i have actually acknowledged the anger, i seem to be doing better.  i am also able to see what it is i need to do, to keep myself healthy and more in control.  Especially in control of those things i need to be in control of.  Here is my list

• i am checking my blood sugars each morning and logging it someplace.


• i am taking all my meds when it is time to (i am going to get a multiple alarm watch to help me with this) and logging it someplace.


• i am eating 3 meals each day, plus a snack, and logging it someplace.


• i am making a meals list to follow each week and logging it someplace.


• i am cooking more often, instead of ordering take-out and logging it someplace


• i am shopping for groceries once a week to get what is needed for that week.


• i am vacuuming and dusting my living room every morning once the MIT leaves.


• i am watering my plants every 2 days.


• i am keeping my table clean at all times.


• i am doing my dishes each afternoon, while waiting for the MIT to get home from school.


• i am focusing one night a week to concentrate on homework from my Reflexolgy class.


• i am asking my friends and family for help (to either go with me or just talk to me on the cell phone) with going out or with going shopping (especially when it is Christmas/Yule shopping) if i start to get anxious.


• i am participating more in the DSSG organization that i have been neglecting of late.


• i am finding something "interesting" in a group setting to do, to get me out of the house more often.


• i am going to start going to the dealing with grief support group.

i know these are all things i can do.  i also know that by doing all these things, i will feel better, and more in control.  Getting a handle on my blood sugars, will help my mood.  Making sure i make lists and stick to them will help me financially.  Keeping up with house work will help me feel less chaotic where i should be able to relax.  Focusing on my studies will help me feel like i can actually accomplish the course.  Asking people for help will help me to cope with situations i am not ready to do on my own.  Getting back to my "duties" with the DSSG group will help me feel a part of it again, and not just an "add-on" as i have been seeing myself.  Joining a group to do fun stuff (might even be a craft group or something like that) will help me develop new connections with more people.  Going to the support group will give me a safe place to cry and feel angry and deal with so much of how i am feeling, especially this time of year. 

i have a plan now.  Something i haven't had in a very long time.  Something i used to count on someone else to help me with, but know that i can do on my own.  It is a good plan, and some of which is already in place.  Fridays are taken up doing school and therapy.  Thursdays are taken up earning some extra cash cleaning, for a special family.  Tuesday nights will soon be taken up by the support group.  All great steps in the right direction.

Now to just find that watch.  It has to be cool looking, and it has to have at least 4 alarms on it.  The hunt will begin tomorrow!

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Meditation

i decided maybe i was feeling out of sorts since i haven't meditated in a very long while.  Like since before Mike died.  Since i was teaching Him how to meditate.  Since way back in April.  So, i thought, why not.  See the thing about meditation, is sometimes it can calm you, and sometimes (like today) it can help you better understand how you are feeling.  What did i feel?  Anger.  Dark and black and hurtful anger.

Angry because i am 36 and here i am having to start over yet again.  Angry because i should be having to feel so alone at being only 36.  Angry at not having Mike here anymore.  Angry that i am not feeling in control.  Angry that i have to feel so much right now.  Angry that i am feeling angry.  Angry that i have been advised to join a grief support group.  Angry that i can't figure out to do with myself.  Angry that i am the one that has to buy my pajamas.  Angry that i had Mike's name still on my Christmas lists.  Angry that He isn't here to help me.  Angry that i have to figure all this out myself. (ok, i know i don't have to do this all on my own, and that i am not alone, but sometimes it just feels that way)

i used to think anger was something i could work with.  i could use it to motivate me.  i could use it to help me feel more in control.  i could use it to gain control if i was feeling out of control.  Not right now i can't.  Right now it is overwhelming me.  It is causing doubt and pushing my control issues button.  It is enveloping me.  Well that is how i feel. 

So i am angry.  Now what?

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Feeling out of sorts

i am having a weird day.  i feel lost and can't concentrate on anything.  i see stuff around my house i should be doing, but can't find the sense to actually do it.  Plants that need watering.  Laundry that needs to be put away.  Vacuuming needing to be done.  Dusting that has been neglected for a while.  Odds and ends that are just lying around.  Then there is the paperwork that needs to be done.  i am feeling anxious but stuck.  i have the munchies but am not hungry, and have no desire to actually cook.  It is like so much around me is out of control, that i can't find my control. 

The Nascar race is about to start and i don't even feel like sitting and watching it.  i don't want to go out for a drive.  i don't want to go to the store for anything.  i have projects in my head, but no desire to even start them. 

Ok, so, how to get more in control of things.  Turn on the lights.  Get some feeling of daytime in here.  Make a list.  i am good with lists.  Figure out what is important to me to get done in the next 4 hours before the MIT comes home. 

i just want to feel in control again.  i just want some little part of my house to be clean and organized and feel like i can actually relax and not just avoid.  i have been avoiding this place too much.  i have been avoiding sleeping under my covers, in my bed for too long.  i have been avoiding cleaning for fear of what i might find.  i have been avoiding of the idea that i will be cleaning Him out of the house.   i have been avoiding how i feel so much, and i think it is catching up with me again.  i hate feeling like this.

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New assignment

i did go to therapy yesterday.  i walked in hyper and unsettled, and it never changed the entire time i was there.  i felt spastic.  i felt out of control.  i dug my finger nails into my hand.  i cried and begged for help.  i forgot that they are just there for me to help myself.

After asking over and over how i was to handle this "season" but getting the same answer, which was what did i think i should or could do, we came up with a couple of ideas

1) Never leave the house or vehicle again, except for things like appointment.  Not very practical or economical.  Yes i could use Grocery Gateway for food, or order in.  Yes i could stay in my van to actually get cash at drive thru tellers.  Yes i could only have my iPod playing when i was out of the house.  All options but like i said, not very practical or economical. 

2) Just fight my way through it.  Just block out how i have been feeling because it is weak of me to cry, and blubber, and not be able to do anything like go get groceries.  Just keep burying how i am feeling and deal with it on the other side.  Yeah, ok.  Like that is actually going to work.  Sure i could drink or self medicate myself all the way past the new year, but that would be no go for either the MIT or i.  Plus, why would i set myself up to fail like that

3) Ask for help.  Actually ask people i know that i know care for me to help me.  Ask people to go shopping with me, so that i am not doing it alone.  Ask people if i can just chat with them on the cell phone while i am shopping.  Ask people to drive me places.  Not just any people, but friends. 

So i chose option number 3.  And i hate it.  i feel so weak and vulnerable.  i feel like such a suck.  i feel like i should be "over it" and be able to do what needs to be done.  i could hear E's voice in my head while discussing this option.  "Would you think I was weak if i asked for help?"  "Would you think less of me it I was crying?".  i get that i hold myself to a higher standard than i expect for anyone else.  i get that i think i should be the one that is always there for others, and that i am strong.  i am finding i am not as strong as i think i need to be.  This is so hard for me.  i feel like i should be stronger and more able to handle it all.  Why can't i just be the one that others ask for help? 

So i asked for help.  i asked my Mom if she would be available to sometimes take me to go shopping so i wouldn't have to drive and didn't have to be alone sometimes.  i called and asked E if she would be ok with me asking her for help, and if she thought any less of me for doing so.  i talked to L and man, did i get an earful. 

She gave me a different way of looking at asking for help.  She said that maybe i would be making others happy by asking and letting them help me.  That i could be providing them a service by letting them help me.  That by asking friends for help, i was doing it for them, and not for myself. 

i'd like to say i could accept that other way of thinking, but then i am not allowing myself to help myself.  i am making it about others (which i could easily wrap my head around) and not myself, and actually avoid the idea that i am human and actually can have weak moments and actually require assistance from others.  This is something i do have to learn.  This is something i do have to embrace about myself.  It is going to be hard and i am not going to always like it, and i know i am going to learn this kicking and screaming.  i also know that it will not kill me to do this.  Heck, it might actually help me.

Ok, yes it will help me.  Crying doesn't make me weak.  Grieving 6 months after Mike's death is not to long.  Being human isn't a bad thing.  Letting myself feel things isn't a bad thing. 

(yes this is me trying to convince myself)

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A little update

So, what is new with me....

i have an under the table job.  i presented a plan to a wonderful woman that would benefit both of us (plus some others in Her life), and i am now cleaning Her house once a week for actual money.  i was (and still am) so proud of myself.  i thought about it, laid out a plan, and presented it to Her.  i even said about getting paid, and presented Her with my rate.  i didn't just plain volunteer.  i didn't say i would do it for free.  i gave value to my time, and value to my abilities, and in so doing, gave myself something else to be proud of.  i started last week, and due to circumstances beyond anyone's control, had today off.  Two big changes in my life in the last 2 months.  (this is me beaming)

Halloween worked out in a weird way.  i didn't end up spending it alone, which is good. i spent it with friends.  Friends that needed me around just as much as i needed them around.  It all worked out well.  i helped out, i got smudged, i watched kids enjoy the night, and i buried an apple for Mike.  i feel good about how i celebrated Halloween.

Yesterday i went grocery shopping, and went down the deal isle.  No deals there, just lots of Christmas stuff.  i kinda freaked out, crying in the middle of the store.  i am not looking forward to this next 2 months.  Hell, i am hardly looking forward to tomorrow.  Christmas is going to be hard.  It already is.  Just seeing the decorations bothers me.  i just want to never go to a store for the next 2 months.  There really isn't anyway to do that (although i know i can order in groceries, order in my meds, stay in my van with my iPod on to get actual cash, etc.) since life must still go on.  i just wish i had some more time. 

Since i haven't got that luxury, i have to figure out how i am going to survive all this.  i need to plan and make lists.  Lots and lots of lists.  List of who i want to give gifts to.  What kind of gifts.  Where i am getting the gifts or the supplies for the gifts (if i am making them).  How much i have to spend and budget it accordingly.  Concentrate on stuff to do, and those that are here, and not concentrate so much on who isn't here anymore.  Easier thank it sounds.  Hard to put behind me.  i just know that if i don't do it this way, i will spiral again.  MIT can't deal with that.  Hell, i can't deal with that.  i guess i should bring this up in therapy tomorrow.

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Over the last week (and a bit)

Wow, i haven't posted in about a week and a half.  It isn't because there isn't anything to post about.  Last week was a busy week.  Appointments, emotions, class.  i felt like every day was a busy day. 

i did learn a few new things this week.

• Ontario Works sucks (aka welfare) - i owe them money


• the MIT's school is just great - they broke the news about not working for credits right now is ok, and they also listened when He had to explain what He meant by His EA hit Him. 


• i have homework from seeing the social workers - last time it was telling them what i wanted from them, this time it is finding stuff to do after i see them to pull me back into reality and not mixed up with all my emotions in my head


• that reading and taking notes for 10 chapters is beyond me right now

i feel really run down and disappointed in my self today.  Not getting my homework for school done is really bothering me.  i should have been able to do it.  i had plenty of time.  i just couldn't get past the first chapter.  It wasn't just about reading, it was also about making notes and i couldn't wrap my head around it.  Sure i have some time to cram right now, but not enough to make notes and read.  Plus i still have to be attentive to the MIT.

Today after school, i get to see the social workers again.  i am going to be asking them how much longer i will be seeing them, and when i get to see the psychiatrist.  i also want to know, if once i start dealing with "stuff" with them, will i have to start over with the doc.  It just seems weird that i build a relationship with them, and then will be turned over to someone else.  It doesn't make sense to me. 

OK, time for me to get my butt into the shower and hound the MIT.  Man i don't want to go to school.  i really don't wanna go (insert whine).  my bed is calling.  Loudly.  i must fight the urge.  i must.  i must. i must.

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Ein Prosit!!

So Saturday's Oktoberfest celebration was wonderful.  A great group of friends, lots of food, lots of drinks, lots of laughs.  i even have video of most of the evening.  Oh and pictures.  Lots and lots of pictures.  i am burning everyone a copy of the video and of the pictures so they can all remember Heino-palooza  fondly.  We even had a party game.  See who could melt a chocolate truffle between their boobs first.  E and S tied.  D didn't have enough boob to really push them together.  i am more cold blooded than everyone else.  i couldn't melt the truffle between my boobs.  Plus no one to lick it off.  Oh well, no biggy.

On Sunday, i wasn't hung over (though i should have been) i just felt kind of lazy, and then i decided to concentrate on burning the movie for everyone.  First i had to figure out how to edit the movie so it would fit on CD's (i had over 3 hours worth).  That took a while.  Once that was figured out, i started burning the evidence.  i am still at it.  i have 5 sets to make, and i am now starting Part 2 for each set.  5 CD's down, 10 more to go. 

Yesterday was also cleaning day.  i did as much as i could, but there is still stuff here for P&E to take home, and a couple souvenirs for L&D, and S.  When the MIT came home, He had a blast pulling down all the streamers and balloons and then popped every one of the balloons in the house.  If He had of used a pin, i would have been quicker, but He needed to squeeze them all.  The squeaky squeeze did bother me a bit. 

Today was all about getting over being tired.  i was so busy the last couple of days, i hardly slept and i am so tired out.  Yes i have kept busy, so i haven't had time to think about how i am doing emotionally, and yes for me that is a good thing, but i also know that now i am more relaxed, the emotions could come out again.  i even had a big panic attack yesterday.  hyperventilated and everything.  Even to the point that i needed to lie down.  i survived.  Yes i got scared, and worried, and thought of calling someone because i was so scared, but i breathed and self-talked through it. 

Wednesday i have to go to welfare.  It is an almost yearly excursion, but each year i get nervous about it.  i have so much stuff to gather together.  Old bills, old bank statements.  Tenant agreements.  Lots of stuff to gather.  Even just thinking about it now is making me panic.  i hate going to welfare.  Hate it. 

OK, this post is feeling like what is inside my head.  Convoluted and jumbled and bouncing from one thing to the next.  Since the MIT is here i will be off to make tuna salad.  Enough so i don't have to worry about what i am packing for His lunch tomorrow.  Off i go. 

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Bouncing

Different emotions over the couple of days.  Ups and downs.  Panic and calm.  Crying and not crying.  my emotions seem to be all over the place.

Thursday night, E and her kids came over and we decorated the living room for Oktoberfest.  It looks really cool, but it doesn't feel finished to me.  i know it is the perfectionist in me, so i am trying to let it go. 

Yesterday (Friday) was a difficult but not that bad of a day.  i woke-up and wished Mike a happy anniversary (it would have been 7 years since we met).  Then i looked at my "to do list".  i started to feel overwhelmed, but calmed myself down and got everything i had control over, finished. 

• i got the MIT off to school


• i packed the MIT's bag for a sleep over at my Mom's


• i packed my school bag


• i packed my "need for later" bag


• i got to school on time


• i went to St. Joe's for my therapy


• i stopped at my place to check my bank account and pickup a coat (it was really cold out)


• i went to E's and got ready to go to a porn night


• i found E's son


• i drove E and i to Toronto


• we all went to see the porn show, found the lineup to large and decided on a movie and food instead


• i drove E and i home


• i actually went to be right after getting home

i didn't let the size of my list get to me.  Today, we (my friends) are having an Oktoberfest party.  i am finding it difficult not to get overwhelmed by the size of my "to do" list today.  So far, so good.  i am mainly concentrating on those things i feel i really need to get done, rather the impression my house will give off.  i am going to be concentrating on

• going out and getting some diet pepsi and stuff


• making the MIT's room tidy


• vacuuming the house


• making sure the bathroom is clean


• doing the dishes


• shower and shave!!!!

Anything else, isn't a "have to" it is just a "would like to".  So by concentrating on what i feel i need to get done (just so i feel comfortable with people in my house), i am limiting the amount of pressure i am putting on myself.  It seems to be working so far.  i still have less than 3 hours before people are coming over, but i can do a lot in 3 hours. 

So, here's to keeping things in perspective and to keeping my mind on what is happening now, and not worrying about what will happen when everyone comes over.

i am feeling mighty proud of myself right now.

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It's all normal

So i went to the doctor's today.  Yes i gained weight again.  i knew i had.  i just didn't know where it would put me on the scale.  Now i know.  Yes my blood pressure is fine.  That is good. 

The most important thing i learned at the doctor's is that she is proud of me.  See, i have been having a harder time dealing with emotional situations.  What i mean is that i haven't been able to keep the emotions all bottled up as easily as i usually do.  Plus i have been having spontanious emotional outbursts (crying for no reason) and an increase in panic attacks.  Apparently this is normal.  That isn't what she is proud of though.  She is proud i haven't said to hell with going to therapy.  That i have decided to keep going and to keep dealing.  It was nice to hear her say those words, and that i am being strong by still going.  No, i may not like going, but it is good that i am going, and that i will continue to go. 

To some this may not seem like a happy post, but it is.  It sucks that i have to go through emotional crap that i have been burying for so long, but it is good because i know that i need to go threw it all, and i am.  It is a good thing

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Pavlov's dog

i feel like one of Pavlov's dogs. Let me explain

For over 6 1/2 years, i always asked permission before having an orgasm.  When i was with Mike, we had a set of rules to accomplish this.  If Mike was away, i could call and leave a message on His phone and that was a way of asking.  i could even send Him an email and that would qualify (for us) as asking permission.  When i played with others, i was to ask them for permission. He isn't here anymore so there is no one i need or  have to ask permission from.  Yet, i still can't reach that gushing or feeling of release without hearing the "yes" or knowing that someone is giving me permission.  After all these months, i still can't get there.

Mike died back in May.  i have been getting more used to doing certain things by myself again.  i have been moving forward and growing.  Yes i have leaned on friends for other things, but i have been learning to take charge of me.  i have started going to "school" for reflexology.  i have been going out when i want.  i have been having fun with friends when i want.  i feel totally in control some days.  There is just one thing i can't take charge of.  Oragasms. 

Take last night.  i was using one of the little, special toys that we had accumilated over time, and it is one that is totally reliable in getting me to that point, and beyond.  Everything was going right.  i was there.  i was ready.  i couldn't get past it. 

i asked for permission in my head, thinking that would help.  i asked permission outloud, thinking that would help.  Nothing.  Just writhing, feeling at the point, and nothing.  i was getting so frustrated.  i tried to say "yes" to myself.  i tried to imagine Mike whispering "yes" in my ear, but nothing.  i had thoughts of calling a friend who would understand, panting and everything, to just hear that one word (couldn't justify it and couldn't humiliate myself that way, just couldn't.  i have a feeling the person i would have called, would have been flattered, joked a bit, tortured me with asking me why, then laugh and say yes).

So, nothing.  No relief.  No drooling even though the food is right infront of me.  Still waiting for the sound of the bell.  Still waiting for that permission.  i so feel like one of Pavlov's dogs.

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Killing time

So i was sitting here, thinking everything was good, and a panic attack started.  i have no idea why, but it happened.  i did my deep breathing.  i did my self talk.  None of it really helped, so i decided to distract myself.

i found my old recipe for apple crisp.  i haven't made it in years.  i have been buying apple crisp from Zarky's.  Today i decided that peeling apples might be zen like.  So out i went, hyperventilating the whole time, and bought apples and those disposable baking pans.  i bought enough apples for at least 3, maybe 4 batches.  i bought chocolate chips for cookie making.  i bought stewing beef for what i am making for dinner.

One batch is done and cooling.  Yes, i already tried it and it is better than the one i buy.  The second is in the oven.   i should have also gotten ice cream, but i didn't.  It would have gone nicely with the warm apple crisp. 

The panic sensation hasn't left, but now i have apple crisp.  i still feel like i need to jump out of my skin.  my breathing is ragged, but if i concentrate, i can calm it down.  my hands are shaking, and my leg won't stop bouncing.  i am ok.  i know i am ok.  i don't want to take meds when i can find other ways to manage.  i am hoping another batch will help.  3 batches of apple crisp.  i wonder if it freezes well.  i wonder if i should take some to my Mom's for Thanksgiving tomorrow. 

i just want the shaking and breathing things to stop.

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A full one

What a beautiful way to wake-up.  i had forgotten how i can see Her first thing in the morning from the kitchen.  The moon so full, and bright.  i saw Her last night, but She had clouds all over Her.  This morning, She is bright and full and it is so clear.  The changes in the season are apparent.  Being able to see Her and waking up cold.  i don't want to have to turn the heat on yet.  i am not ready for that yet.  Hot chocolate.  That is the answer.  Hot chocolate and the full moon.  A great way to wake-up.

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Where is the smiley?

A friend read over this place from my head and mentioned that it seemed so sad.  It is.  i feel comfortable here to express all the nasty, dark, depressive things that enter my head here.  Happy thoughts are in my head.  There have been a lot of them lately.  i think it is time i get used to expressing those here too.

MIT - man is He enjoying school.  He loves it.  He doesn't come home angry at all.  He hardly fights me in the morning. The only difficulty in the morning is about waking up and Him wanting "5 more minutes Mom".  Once that little routine is over, everything runs smoothly.  Uniforms rock.  No arguments about what He is going to wear.  No worrying about if it will fit or not.  He has 2 main outfits He likes, and one more that is for special occasions.  Mornings rock now.  After school, He is hungry (lunch is really early for Him) and gets a snack.  After that, is homework (with no arguing at all) and karate on certain days.  He is doing really well.  i am really proud of Him.

Reflexology - i am into week 4 of my reflexology course.  Only 8 more classes to go.  i am enjoying it.  Sure the definitions of certain disabilities or illnesses are really general, but i can live with that.  i am finding that i am relaxing into the foot procedure really easily.  i find my hands flowing nicely from one reflex to the next.  i have lots of volunteers to practice on, and will get to continue using them for my practicum once i have the entire foot procedure down pat.  i got to practice on Saturday.  i did my procedure on 2 8 year olds and my two friends L&D.  i even get to practice again tonight on E.  The MIT won't let me near His feet.  That is ok.  i have enough different feet available.

Life in general - yes i have bad days.  That is apparent in most of my entries.  But there are many, many good days.  Days where i can push the depression further back.  Days i can see the joy in the sun shining.  Days i can see being able to wake up tomorrow and feel ok. 

i have been baking more.  It is something i haven't done in a long time, and am finding pleasure in it.  i am cooking dinners more often.  i can't afford to order in anymore, so i am finding ways around that.

 i have great friends around me.  i have fallen back to those i have known the longest, who have seen me threw good and bad times.  They have been very supportive and help me feel like i matter to this world.  They listen and they don't mince words when i need to hear the truth.  They are also there to let me be me. 

Friday i go to St. Joe's again, and visit with the social worker.  i have to visit with her before i get to meet with the actual doctor.  Not looking forward to it.  my head and stomach hurt after the last appointment. 

i don't have class this week.  my teacher is moving this weekend, so she needs the day for packing and stuff. 

Next weekend i get to go to a live porn show L Friday, and then everyone will be here for Octoberfest on Saturday.  Now that will be fun.  Sure it would be nice to have been able to go to Kitchener for the festivities, but this way, everyone is around and we can drink when and what we want, play music that we want, and even watch movies if we want.  i am really looking forward to it.  my Mom is even taking the MIT for the entire weekend. 

Looking forward to things is new.  i am not dreading stuff as much.  That is a good thing.  Yes i am still grieving, but i am also moving forward.  i am finding stuff that interests me.  i am finding ways to open up about my issues (including those about the MIT).  i am looking at other ways to get respite.  i am doing housework when i have the energy.  i am excited about  the reflexology course.  i look forward to the MIT coming home after school.

i think the next thing i will be looking into is pottery, or sculpting.  i know there is stuff i want to make out of clay, and the feel of the clay in my hands.  i know i want to make what i paint, and not just paint things that are pre-made.  i also want to get back into sewing.  i have a great machine, but haven't used it in years.  It would be nice to make stuff that i wear.  i also want to get back into knitting.  i have at least one project, that has been promised to one special guy, that has not been touched in months.  

Ideas for Christmas gifts are coming at me.  Yes it is hard knowing that i don't need to find one for Mike.  i still come up with ideas for Him, but then realize...well, you know.  For others, i am doing really well with the ideas.  i just have to actually sit down and do them.

So, that is all for now in this more pleasant post.  There are still some nice and happy things that have happened that i want to keep to myself.  Those may or may not come to light here, but they are definitely in my head and memory and full of goodness.  Please bare with me.

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Don't Wanna

Today i get to go and to the St. Joe's phsyciatry department for an assessment.  i don't wanna go.  i want to stay home and curl up in bed and hide.  i want to keep doing what i have been doing.  i want to only let out how i feel on my terms, and not someone else's.  i don't want to open up for a perscribed amount of time.  i don't want to let the piled-up emotions to come flooding out and feel broken again.  i feel like i have rebuilt myself back up.  i have put many of the pieces back into place and i am surviving.  i know i am not all fixed.  i know there is alot more for me to put back into place.

Yes i still think of hurting myself.  i still have plans in place of when, and how.  i still want and even feel like i need to do it.  The only thing keeping me here is MIT.  i can't figure out how to do it without it hurting Him emotionally or even physically.  And i hate it.  i hate that the MIT has that much control over my life.  i hate that my whole world revolves around this person that depends on me so much.  i just hate and resent Him alot right now.  i hate that the one thing i resent the most is the only thing keeping me from following threw.

Yes, i know.   i do this with every new experience.  i know i tend to get all nervous before hand and then go through with it, and it is never as bad as i thought it would be.  i am just really worried about how i will be tonight, after the appointment.  i am worried i can't bury what ever comes out while there.  i am worried that i will implode from all the "storing" i have been doing.  i am worried they will want me in the hospital. 

i know i still have more fixing to do, that all the pieces are not back in place.  i know i have been battling this depression for over 10 years without seeing someone "professionally" (other than my family doctor).  i am still here.  Like i told the lady on the phone, i can't be anything but here. 

Venting isn't working this morning

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Things i learned

After rearranging my bedroom, i learned a few valuable lessons.

1. Never move a dresser with all the clothes and junk in it.


2. See number 1 when moving the second dresser.


3. Never move a book shelf without taking all the books off it, or the shelf will do it for you.


4. Never move your bed when it is still all together and has the books that fell off the shelves on it.


5. Bending from the legs instead of the back means less back pain, but more leg pain.


6. Be prepared to find things that have been missing for a long time.


7. Be prepared to find things left here by Mike and have crying outbursts remembering Him and His death.


8. A vacuum cleaner can not handle a blindfold.


9. Try not to break the belt of the vacuum in the middle of cleaning out under your bed.


10. Be prepared to find new places for things that used to have places when the furniture was elsewhere.

Now my arms hurt, my legs hurt, my back hurts, and most importantly, my hands hurt.  Gripping things hurt right now.  i hope it won't last long.  i still have class on Friday.  At least it is mostly done.  i have pictures to move around, as they are no longer centered above the bed and now dresser.  i have a space where i want to put a toy box for me (lil_lizzy).  i have stuff that needs to go to amity/goodwill/etc.  Other than that.  i am quite happy with the way my room turned out. 

Today is homework (2 chapters and practice the relaxation foot proceedure).  i am hoping to practice at least 2-3 times before Friday.  The chapter stuff is easy.   Right now, i am on the skeletal system.  i wish i had baked cookies yesterday.  i love doing homework while munching on cookies, and having some milk.  Old memories, but good memories. 

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A change.....

Don't ask me why, but today i decided to rearrange my bedroom.  Move the bed, move the dressers, move the end tables (aka file cabinets).  Just move everything around and clean out what i don't need and what i do need and then either get rid of it or put it in the basement.

Everything was going really well.  i cleaned out the corner that seemed to store more than it should.  i moved the tall dresser (i really need a new/old one).  i moved the end table.  i moved the bed.  While i was moving everything i was vacuuming as i went.  Then it happened.

The vacuum ate something it shouldn't have and now the belt is broken.  Sure i can still vacuum up dust, but the entire floor is needing a good going-over.  Add to that the fact that i really don't have the money to get it fixed, and i feel like i am at a standstill.  Add to that the fact that i will need to actually move furniture down into the basement, and i really don't feel like going any further.  Too bad i have to, as i don't have any room on my bed right now to fit me.

 i guess it is time to get back to work.  i need to have it all done before the MIT gets home.  At least that isn't until 8, but there is still other stuff to do.  Making tuna salad for the MIT for lunches.  Baking cookies so the MIT has a treat in His lunch.  Take the stuff to Amity, or where ever i will take it.  Move stuff into the basement.  Lots of stuff to still do.

Man this is a mundane entry.  This is what most of my hand written journal looks like.  Mundane, everyday stuff.  Nothing really exciting to write about.  Just another typical day in my life. 

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Opening Seasons

Why have all of the shows lately, all the premiers, been about grieving and being left behind?

Grey;s Anatomy : An intern (Izzy) falls in love with a patient (Paul?).  Patient needs a new heart.  Intern makes it happen (not quite legally).  Patient gets new heart and all is well.  They talk about getting married.  They talk about the future.  They make promises to each other.  Everything is good.  All is well.  Suddenly patient dies.  Out of no where.  Everything was good, and he dies.  Intern starts to grieve, knowing all the promises are finished.  What should have been is gone.  She feels alone.  Feels like she has died.  Everything was so good, and then nothing is left.  Nothing at all.  No more promises of good things.  Just pain and nothing. 

Ghost Whisperer : Friends.  Best Friends.  One is slightly weird (Melinda), the other accepting of the weirdness.  Plans for the future being formed.  Friendship blooming.  Life is all good.  The accepting one dies, suddenly. The weird one is left, wondering why.  Not wanting to accept the other's death.  Not knowing what to do.  Not having someone to bounce how she feels off of.  Not having her friend there to comfort her when she needs it the most.  Not knowing how to find closure.

My mom says it is always like that every season.   That at the end of every season, someone is dying, or about to die or has died.  That every new season, the characters have to deal with the grief.  She says that this year it is just so much more apparent to me.  That it is just they way TV is, and that i am finding more of my grief as i watch.

Today i am going to pickup Mike's altar box.  i will be getting stuff back that was His.  i will be getting stuff back that is mine.  i am driving myself.  Maybe i will call my sister and ask her to drive.  i don't know if i can do this on my own.  Really not sure.  i don't know where i will put it.  i know i want it, need it even.  So i will be going to get it.  Either alone, or with support.  i am going to get it.

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Dream Interpretation

Ok, this is getting rediculous.  i have had, at least three times a week, dreams that include rats.  Big hairy ugly rats.  Rats lying in food.  Rats running around.  Rats that have landed on me.  Rats that have run around me.  Rats that i have chased.  Rats that i have captured and thrown out the door.  Rats that i have captured and given to other people. 

These dreams have taken place in my house.  Only once did a cat come into the dream.  The rats were living above my stove.  Other times my dream takes place some where else.  i don't know where it is.  i didn't recognize it at all. 

This time there were many people around and no one else seems to notice the rats.  Only i seem to know that they were there.  Only i seemed to be able to capture them.  Once word got around, people were asking me for rats.  i couldn't keep up with the demand.  Then i saw what they were doing to the rats and i wouldn't give them away anymore.  They were flinging the rats around in those cloth gift bags i would put them into.  They would throw the rats at the wall.  One person (i don't know if it was male or female) stuck the bag to a target and was throwing stuff at it.  People were even stepping on the rats. 

i hate rats.  i hate mice.  Tame ones, in a cage, i can handle.  Wild ones, skittering around, making noise with their claws, making those weird squeeking noises just grosses me out.  When there has been a mouse in my house, i usually leave until it is dead.  These dreams, with the wild, creepy, ugly giant rats, are really starting to get to me.  i wish i knew what they were trying to tell me.  i wish i could make them stop

In other news.  Today is my second day of class.  i have finished all my homework.  i have all my supplies.  Now all i have to do is get these rats out of my brain, get the MIT to school, and shower, dress and get to class. 

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This and That

i started crying yesterday.  There was no reason.  No thought, just tears.  Uncontrollable, vomit inducing, stomach wrenching tears.  i couldn't figure it out.  Why would it have started?  It had been a good day.  i had gotten stuff done that i needed to get done.  i had talked with friends.  i had been laughing and everything had been good.  So why the tears?

It was then my Mom called.  Seems yesterday was Wednesday.  i have been good for Wednesdays for a little while.  So what if it was Wednesday?  Wednesdays hadn't been bad for a while, so why now?  Why yesterday?  It wasn't like i was thinking about Him.  It wasn't like i was going over how much i was missing Him.  Thoughts of Him didn't even cross my mind as i cried and vomitted.  Mom says i did too much.  It didn't feel that way.  It really didn't.  i still don't understand.

Tomorrow i start school.  After class, i go to Pam's to be with her and Ethan.  There is talk about lunch.  i don't know if we are going out or if Ethan is cooking.  They are busy as it is.  They are heading for vacation Saturday.  Saturday i am going to the Pagan Pride day here.  Danielle is coming with me.  i am not sure what is going to be happening Saturday night, but it is all good. 

i am so tired.  Just so tired all the time.  Tired right now even.  MIT will be home soon.  Then i get to make dinner and get the MIT ready for karate.  Actually, i am starting dinner now.  It will take a hour or so for dinner to cook.  After that, i will let it sit and wait for a while.  Maybe the MIT will eat some.  Then again, He might now.  He can be fickle.  Anyways, off to the mundane life i seem to be living. 

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Ups and downs

So i did it.  i registered for the reflexology course.  i start on Friday.  i have already read over the first 3 chapters, and plan on reading more.  It is a dry read, but i am so excited about taking it, and eventually using the skills i learn, that i am breezing right through it.  i even had a pedicure today and am getting a manicure tomorrow to celebrate.  Hellen said, on Saturday, that Mike would be proud.  That He is looking down on me and smiling.  i hope so.  i hope He is proud. 

i actually removed His spot on the bed.  His pillows had been where they have been for almost 7 years.  It was hard, admitting that He won't ever be sleeping here again.  i still wait for Him to come online and chat while He is at work.  i still wait for Him to walk in the door on Tuesdays to go bowling.  Moving the pillows was difficult, but i lived. 

i do keep asking myself if i am grieving too much.  i mean we had been going through some bad times before things began to "work" again.  i wasn't that thrilled with Him for quite a while.  We had our problems.  Maybe i should be over this feeling of dread and guilt and sadness. 

i talked to Pam today about the cravings.  The desire to have that dynamic and the pain back in my life.  How i wonder if He would be mad or disappointed in the fact that i want to give that part of me over to anyone else.  She had me play the "what would you say if i was you, and you were Ethan?" game.  i do know what Mike would say.  He would say that being a submissive is who i am, and to keep that locked up would mean i was not being true to myself.  He would tell me to not feel guilty.  He would tell me to be who i am.  So why is even the idea of letting it be someone else's voice so scary for me? 

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How long should i wait?

How long is it appropriate for one to wait after the loss of their partner to start craving again?  Is almost 4 months enough time?  Am i being disloyal to Mike and His memory for wanting and craving?

i am home alone tonight, and all my thoughts are geared to wanting and needing.  i want to feel pain.  i want to be able to serve someone.  i want to be able to follow orders.  i want to be able to please someone even if i don't get anything out of it, because seeing that someone is pleased, does give me pleasure.   i want to hear someone's voice in my ear to say i can come.  i haven't been able to do that to myself since His death.  His voice hasn't been there.  i wasn't allowed without His permission if i was doing it myself.  i can't seem to get there and give myself that permission.  i still ask, either out loud or in my head and wait for His answer.  It never comes.  So neither do i.

i am not saying i haven't played since His death.  i did, and it went ok.  i got to orgasm.  i got to feel pain.  There was also a voice there, one that He seemed to have left for me to be with, able to give me permission.  i have pulled away from that person, that voice.  She was what i needed at the time.  She was like a connection to Him.  i don't feel that way about Her anymore.  i don't even like the idea of it being Her voice anymore.  She was ok for me when i needed that "connection" to Him, but that was all She was.  Just a connection.  i guess i used Her for that.

Tonight i keep thinking that i am being disloyal, being selfish, being cold for wanting and needing even an orgasm.  The idea of someone inflicting pain on me feels like a desire to escape.  But it is still there.  i just don't want it to be because i am trying to escape or trying to forget Him. 

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i don't really have a title this time

Well, i don't qualify for funding to take the reflexology course.  So now i get to ask my Mom for the money.  This aught to be fun.  NOT!  i am not looking forward to telling her.  i am not looking forward to hearing what she has to say, or her conditions, or anything from her.  i know that what comes out of her mouth isn't meant to hurt me, but it does.  i know i should be thankful that i can even ask her.  i know i should be thankful for all the help she gives me.  It is just that it feels like it costs too much. (Update : Mom called and said she will write out the cheque to the school and i can start on Friday!  Thanks Mom!!!)

In other news, i have been referred to a psychiatrist and will be having an appointment of assessment soon.  About time for that.  The depression isn't going away.  It isn't even really getting better.  i am just much better at timing my breakdowns.  The smallest thing (hearing i don't qualify) sets me into a panic.  Having to many happy thoughts even sets me into a downward spiral.  Having someone to talk to, about all the changes, about all the loss, even talking about how it feels to have the MIT, will be nice. 

Maybe this weekend will be good.

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Jump and Fall

So i went for the assessment.  The place should be called "useless appointment before going back to where you started".  Not only is it not their job to help with financial aide, but i had to go back to my OW worker to get the forms that are to go to the people that make the decision.  Plus, i must have the forms done, and make an appointment with my worker to hand them in.  The forms must be completed in 2 weeks.  The soonest my worker can see me is October.  October is longer than 2 weeks.  If the papers are not turned over to her in person by the 21st, nothing can be done, and i would have to start the process all over again.

So i thought i had a backup plan.  my Mom said i could use the money from my Nana to take the course, plus she would cover the difference.  Today she said that if there was a chance to get the funding to start the course in January, than i would just have to wait for January.  Oh, and i could take a night school course in cooking or crafts if i wanted in the mean time.

So i took the leap, and fell flat on my face.  Well, not completely.  i have a call into the college to see if they will take $500 and allow me to take the course until funding is provided.  If the college says yes, i will go to my Nana only.  But even before i can do that, i have to make sure it won't affect my ability to get the funding.  That would blow. 

So, lets see, what else blows.  i couldn't get babysitting for even my doctor's appointment, never mind the munch that was tonight.  The doctor did call when after i cancelled.  That was nice of her.  She even said that if i need a doctor's note to say i can take the course, or as a reference, she would be happy to provide it.  my Mom said it was stupid of me to book the appointment for the time it was supposed to be.  She still doesn't understand why that might make me feel like she called me stupid.  When i told her about the hoops i had to jump threw, and she actually said "I didn't think you would get the funding".

Anyways, i feel like crap.  i am not done yet.  i am jumping threw those hoops.  Tomorrow i go to the teacher of the course to fill in the one page of the package that has to be handed to my worker in the next 2 weeks.  i will make this happen, and i will get into the course on the day i want to start.

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A change for the better??

Tomorrow i go for an assessment on if i am eligible for financial help to take the reflexology course i am really wanting to take.  i have everything i need, i think.  i printed of a lot of information from the internet, i spoke with the person teaching the course and have that information, and i called the OCR for even more information.  i have it all gathered in my file thingy, ready to go.  i am just so nervous.

This is the first "jump" i have made since Mike died.  It feels like i huge jump.  Almost a leap of faith.  i am scared they will say yes to the financial aid.  i am scared they will say no.  i do have a backup plan if they say no.  my Mom will be giving me the money to take the course.  i just don't want to be that much more indebted to her.  Plus she will feel it gives her license to make sure i go. 

i am a little nervous about keeping myself motivated, but i know i really want this. Not only do i want the basic foot reflexology course, but i will also want to take the hand reflexology, and then my masters, so i can teach it. i just have to make sure to push myself, just like i have been doing with taking my meds, and trying to eat properly.  i haven't been perfect at it, but i have been doing it.

i want to do this.  i really want to do this.  So, no matter what, i will do this.

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The first time

i used to journal other places. i can't use those anymore. They aren't safe from eyes i don't want to see. So, i have decided to start this place. i am hoping it is a place where i can talk to myself about stuff, bounce around ideas, post my views on things, and basically just put myself out there so certain people don't worry anymore.

i may "pull over" certain posts that i have recently made from the hidden journal, but i am not yet sure. It may happen, it may not. We will just see.

Until then, this is my first post.

The first day of school

So the MIT went to school this morning. It is His first day of high school. He was so excited, so eager to go. It was nice not having to fight Him about getting dressed. It was beyond pleasant to not argue about what He would be wearing. Uniforms rock. It was a good, yet early, morning. It was nice.

But now i sit here, trying to figure out what to do. No one online to talk to. No one here to spend time with. Nothing to fill my days. i am a very boring person. Yes, i could clean the house. Yes i could do the dishes. Neither of those things make me an interesting person. They are just chores to take up my time. i want something to do. i want to be someone other than the MIT's mom. That is one reason i want so bad to take the reflexology course. i want something outside of myself to do. i want to be able to offer services while the MIT is at school. i want something to do while the MIT is not here.

So, until then, i think of what i am passionate about. i try to find something to do that costs nothing. i try to fill this time with something other than napping and eating and cleaning stuff that doesn't need more cleaning and playing online games. The first day of being alone, and i am already bored.

Tue, 22 Aug 2006

Topic: Private thoughts

i know i didn't write to You all weekend in my hand journal. i am really sorry. i couldn't do it. i had to keep my head in camp, away from You or i wouldn't have been able to actually preform.
i helped out everywhere. i did the driving for groceries. i did clean-up after dinner. i did registration. i survived Sherry being there, in the cabin with me, making Bryan moan and groan. i survived hearing the pity in people's voices as they spoke to me. i survived Patrick's annual temper tantrum. At times, i did more than survived. i stayed up late with the group most nights. i got drunk one night. i sang karaoke. i think You would be proud.

Peter was proud, and told me so yesterday. So was Laura, Darren, Scott, Erin, Robyn. Everyone was proud of me. Too bad i wasn't. i felt so out of it most of the time. i felt like i was trying to be someone i am not. i just knew i had to perform. i had to do everything. i had to not breakdown and become a blubbering idiot. But the whole time i kept thinking how wrong it all was. How it shouldn't be like it is. How it should have been You watching out for me, making sure i was ok. Making sure i didn't push myself too hard. i know i pushed myself. No one else knows just how much.

i haven't had a chance to crash yet. i won't even get that chance this weekend. i am wound up so tight right now, that even a phone call from mom set me on edge. TJ talking too much sets me on edge. i know i am behind on my meds, that is probubly part of the reason. i am catching up on them. i will have a breakdown later. Don't ask me when, but i will.

You should have been there this weekend. You should have been the one helping Peter and Helmut load and unload the truck. You should have been the one doing first aide. It should have been You that hugged me at night and not some stuffed animal. It should have been You to help Helmut with the meat. It should have been You to break-up Patrick and Darren. Instead, it was me. i don't like it being just me.

i want You back. i want You to come back. i need You to come back. TJ is on His way home. i will write in my book soon. i promise.

i love You Master.

Wed, 16 Aug 2006

Topic: Private thoughts

Why the hell aren't You here. You should be here. You should be walking through the door. You should be the one making me calm down, not some drug. You should be the one sleeping here tonight, not Laura and Darren. You should be the one to get the ice tomorrow. You should be here to help load the truck. You should be here to setup the play tent. You should freakin be here.

But You are not here. Instead, i have to figure out a way to survive this weekend without You. That is so not fair.

i talked to the doctor yesterday. She wants me in the hospital. She isn't sure i can make decisions right now. She thinks i am so far gone. The worst part is she is right.

i so want to just die. i want TJ to die so i can die. i wait every morning for him not to wake up. i wait every day for a car to crash into us killing us both. i just want to die and go away and not come back and be with You. That is all i want. That is all i hope for. That is what always goes through my mind. Wishing i could just be done with this life and be done with it all.

Will You come and get me while i sleep? Will You come and bring me to You? Please? Master? Please Master, please. Just come to me and take me with You. i can't be without You anymore. i don't want to be without You anymore. Please Master. i don't know how else to beg to You. Just please.

Sat, 12 Aug 2006

Mood: don't ask
Topic: How i feel

i haven't typed to You in a long time Master. i have been keeping up in my written journal. i am just scared Aaron, Lore, or even Bev will find this place and use what i write against me.

i miss You so much. The dark thoughts are getting worse. i now am waiting for TJ to die so i can die too. Every morning He sleeps in, i am hoping He isn't waking up. i even left Him home alone when He was full blown. If He was gone, i could come to You without any guilt.

Cindy is hoping to win the lottery. She has already planned out what she is going to do with the money. Stuff like buy me a house and a car. She would pay off the credit card again. She would even set up an account i could dip into if i needed the money. All i asked for was a freezer and to have it filled with food. i can't dream all that big right now. Dreaming means hope. Dreams don't come true. The dream of You being my Master, being here for me, hearing Your voice, all died with You. All hope died with You.

i know i am holding on by a thread, and i am watching it unravel. Camp scares me. Being without You scares me. Going and getting groceries scares me. Everything, without You, scares me.

Why didn't You wake me up? Why didn't You stop me for cutting? Why can't i feel You? Why won't You come back?

i love You Master

Wed, 12 Jul 2006

Mood: don't ask
Topic: How i feel

i am missing You so much. The depression is getting worse. i am pulling away from everyone and everything.

Sherry really pissed me off. She is making Your death all about her. If anyone wants to do something, or make a reminder about You, it is about her. Hardly about me, but all about her.

Helmut had wanted to do a pagan ceremony for You. A pagan goodbye. He couldn't find a way to do it before Camp. So He wanted to do it on the Friday night of Camp. i couldn't handle the thought of it. i still can't. Anyways, it became all about how it is up to me and Sherry if it should be done...in Sherry's eyes. Nothing about the rest of the Org. Nothing about how really it is up to me, but all about mainly her.

That is how it always is with her. Every decission that is made is about her. Every time she spends here is about her and her grief. It doesn't matter how i am feeling. i get to express my feelings for like a minute and then it is all about her again.

i have stopped emailing her every day. i just can't. It was such a meaningful D/s thing between You and i. i am not in that place with her. She won't define it. i am still the extra with her. She tries to pretend i am not, but i am. At least with P and E, i know i am the extra.

i want to not be the extra anymore. i want You back and i want to be Yours again. Still. With You i know my place. i am Yours. You are my Master. i am Your submissive/slave. i have a place with You. i have no place without You. i am all alone. So alone that i am pulling away from everyone. i am lost. i need You.

Wed, 5 Jul 2006

Mood: don't ask
Topic: Private thoughts

i am supposed to mail that box to Bev. i was supposed to do it yesterday, but didn't, and i am supposed to do it today, but can't bring myself to do it. It is like the final step to saying that this is the reality. That there is no more chance for me to wake-up. Mom really pissed me off last night. "Are you going to do it or do I have to go out of my way to do it, and be angry about it". That was what she said. Like i need that. i felt like saying "thanks for all the support Mom. Thanks for not understanding that i didn't get to have a vacation when you took TJ on a trip You wanted him to take, and now i get to suffer for it." You know i didn't though. i could never actually say anything like that to her. It just isn't in me to do. Anyways, off to get E and drive her to school early. Seems i get her kids from 7:30 - 6:00 ish. No warning about the until 6. No warning about me even having the kids this week, cause last i heard, M was supposed to get them. Oh well. Off i go.i love You Master

Sat, 1 Jul 2006

i know that normally this weekend, You would be home with Bev. It just feels like You should be here, coming to the cottage with me and Sherry. You were supposed to come with us.Bev sent the items i asked for. Nothing extra. No thoughts of what mean something to me. Then again, that isn't like her. She finally got a full time job. Man that would have helped years ago. i can't believe it took You dying to get her ass in gear. i don't know how to make it plain to Sherry that i need to know where Her and i stand. i don't want a collar from Her. i am no where close to wanting or needing that. But i don't know my place with Her. i don't know how much control She wants or how much i am willing to give over. i also can't stand, and i mean really can't stand watching Her and buffy kissing and making out on the couch when all i get is to sit alone on the floor, and get a goodbye kiss from Her every once in a while. i get that She and buffy have an established relationship. i get that i am the intruder. i get that i am the extra. i just wish She would stop saying that i wasn't. Things aren't getting any easier for me here. i still have really bad days, and even worse nights. Maybe the talking to You outloud is helping. Maybe it is just my mind cracking more and more into being more and more crazy. i need the "weird shit" as Sherry calls it, to happen. i need to know that You are still here with me. Maybe i will feel more complete once i get the altar box from Dana. i will be able to hold Your tools. i will be able to feel You more. i think i have sucked out all of You from Your bag of stones. They don't feel right anymore. God i miss You. i need You still so much. i sit here staring at the box i am sending to Bev and wonder why i should do it. i know there isn't anything really special in it, but it is filled with pieces of You. i can't picture Your face in my head anymore. i can't hear Your voice anymore. i can't feel You in the house anymore. Please don't pull away from me yet. i am not ready. Please come back to me if You have left me already. i need to feel You, hear You, dream about You, have You sleep next to me, or have You hold me.Please just wake me up!

Wed, 21 Jun 2006

i am no longer going to exchange emails with Bev. i can't anymore. She was nice on the last couple, but i can't handle even seeing that i have received one from her. Peter is going to handle them from now on. Of course she threatened me again once i asked her to only email Peter. She threatened the cops coming to take Your stuff away. i went to the munch last night. It was a good munch. On the way home, i remembered that last time i drove home from the munch, You were here waiting for me. It was our last night together, ever again. i kept talking to You last night. i kept asking You to hold me, to let me feel You against my skin. Begging You to wake me up this morning. You didn't of course. You can't. You died. i can never feel You hold me again. i can never hear Your voice again. i will never smell You again, feel You in my mouth again, feel Your hands on my skin, feel the kiss of Your toys on my skin again. None of it.Never mind. i know this is a dream. That i have a lesson to learn from all this and once i have learned the lesson, i will wake up and You will be here, and everything will be normal again. We will send Mom and TJ off to Ottawa the right way. We will spend the time Mom and Dad take TJ away the right way. You will be at the org meetings and You will be here for S/mer camp. That is what will happen once You wake me up. That is the way it will be. It has to be. i'm going to lie down now. i need to feel You holding me. Maybe if i lie down in O/our bed, i will feel You. i need to feel You. i need You hear with me, and i need You back. Please. If this is the reality i am supposed to accept, please just let me feel You holding me. Let me smell You in O/our bed. Let me hear Your voice. Anything. Please.Still waiting to wake-up

Fri, 16 Jun 2006

know You aren't here, but i still need to talk with You, so here i am again. Our private space where i get to sound off, and You talk to me later about it. Whenever You get around to reading it that is. i need You to see the picture TJ had me take of him and i the day You died. The one he called You about, but You didn't answer the phone. i should have known something was wrong when You didn't answer the phone. Anyways, here it is. He started calling me shrimp after that. He was a good inch taller than me that day. He is taller now. You would be so proud of him and how he is doing. He has been talking with Beth, and is still blaming himself for You dying. He still wants to ignore it ever happened. He still says things that include You and makes plans that include You. He started asking about if i would be watching Big Brother with the two of you again this year. He was fooling around outside and i was scared he would get hurt, and he said that it was ok, "Mike will fix me if I get hurt". i don't know what to say to him when he says stuff like that. i had to re-teach him what to do if i used the epipen. He said that he was to call You, but that he knew he couldn't cause You were dead. The night the mouse came out, he gave me a big hug while Dad set traps and waited for it to show its head. He had me walk around outside, and kept saying "ask Mike how to get rid of it. Just look up and ask Mike, He will tell you" i tried to explain that i still can't hear You. That i can't feel You. It was too hard of a concept for Him to understand.Sherry is letting me call Her Mistress now. i still feel like an extra, an added-on. Someone She must feel obligated to look after. Peter said something about Her last night. Something along the lines of "what is Her deal anyways?" i looked at Him blankly and He said "i don't get Her, there is just something". i left it at that. i don't need to deal with that. i called Sherry Mistress in the Alt channel when Kat was there. We figure there will be some sort of questioning going to happen. That is one of the reasons Sherry, buffy and i are going to Monster's Munch. i am so nervous. There are people there that don't know that the 4 of us were working together. That the dynamics were great with the 4 of us. Tomorrow is the Org meeting. i have promised Peter i will be there. i don't want to go. i want to go off and pretend that life hasn't moved on without You. i don't want to be there and not hear "Hold on a minute" or "no ifs ands or buts", or even the "nevermind". Helmut wants to hold another kind of ritual for You at camp on the Friday night. That is way to much for me to handle. Another 2 months of trying to pretend that i am ok, and then having to deal with all the emotions surounding just being at camp without You. i can't handle that. It will be hard enough this year. Bev emailed me again. She wanted information about how to get ahold of Dr. Crombie. i called Carrie to make sure it was ok. Carrie said it was fine, so i will be sending that off to Bev soon. Bev also asked what i thought would be nice for TJ to have to remember You by. i figure anything that TJ had given You as gifts would be a good idea. Bev still shows so much anger in her email to me. She made the comment that she didn't know what to send for TJ, as she didn't think the female clothing and the 2 sex toys were appropriate. i wish she understood our relationship better, that i was never a threat to her. Anyways, it is time to go and get Sherry and then head out to the munch. i wish You were going to be there. i downloaded all of the photos i have of You onto the iPod You gave me. That way i can carry images of You where ever i go. Sherry even sent the ones from the last time we all played together. i have You standing over my red ass for the last time. i miss You so much. i know You can hear me. i know that when i talk to You here i am talking to You. i know that i am blocking out feeling You and hearing You because that would make this all real. You still have the deadline i set. You have until the morning of the 18th. i love You. Please just wake me up.

Fri, 9 Jun 2006

You lied more. You lied in Your journal. You lied when You told me and Sherry what was going on. You lied about not knowing why You needed to move things so quickly. You lied with the reason Dr. Miller called You into his office. i read the report. The CT that was taken in April, was compared to the one taken in August. The one that was taken AFTER surgery, and AFTER checmo and AFTER radiation. There was no barium in your system when the August CT was taken. It was read perfectly. There were lesions on Your liver. There were lesions on Your diaphram. There were lesions on the lymphnodes in Your abdomen. There was cancer everywhere. You were diagnosed as stage 3 after those CT's. They were scheduling You for biopsies at the end of May, not another CT. They were scheduling You for more investigation. This all explains stuff like You not dieting. You knew You were loosing weight again, and why You would be loosing more without changing what You were eating. You were wanting to fit so much more into Your life right now, because You knew You would have to start fighting with Your body again. You getting so angry that i showed up at the hospital the day that CT was read. You had hoped to put it in the back of Your head and not tell me, or anyone, the results. Why did You think You would have to go through all that alone? Why did You think i wouldn't want to know and would be there no matter what? Why did You have to hide it all? i know that the cancer didn't kill You. i know You didn't kill Yourself. So what was it that gave out? What was it that quit in Your body to take You away from me so soon after we were working so well together again? Why did You leave without taking care of the damned mouse? (yes the mouse is back). Why did You leave at all? Why does Bev say that You and i weren't what we once were anymore? What was it You told her? You told me You didn't tell her about the loosing of the collar, that as far as she knew everything was normal. Is it just her assumption that because Sherry is in Your life that she thought i was no longer there with You? Was it not really You that told her stuff but Aaron and Lore that did? Did they give Bev access to Your journal and did she read it in a way that made her feel better? Why does she have such a hate on for TJ? Why did she have to send me that bloody email about how TJ was not Your blood? When are You going to wake me up and answer all these questions??????

Thu, 8 Jun 2006

This is the only place i can talk to You Master. You aren't on msn anymore. You aren't on yahoo anymore. You don't get emails anymore. This is the only place. Why did You have to say You were going to be giving me Your collar back? Why? It gave me hope. Hope i don't have anymore. Why did You have to not email me often and only tell me You loved me on MSN or yahoo? Someone told Bev i wasn't important to You anymore. What do i have to do but sit here in my knowledge and just sit back and take all it is they have to say. i learned from You not to defend it. To just ignore it. i don't want to. i want to post conversations we had on MSN where You are giving me orders, and telling me You love me and that You and i were a full couple again. i want to post the ones where You said i belonged to You still, and always would. i want to screem and screem that i was more than just a friend before You died. i want to show the things You said to me. i have to go see the doctor today. She is going to find what she remembers as an abdominal ultrasound You recently had. If she remembers right, then it means You were in more trouble with Your cancer than You made out. i wonder if You told Bev about it. You didn't tell me or Sherry. You told us everything was ok. You would like what i did in the back patio. i got a new table and chairs, and i got planters. i am going to get flowers soon. Maybe today or tomorrow. i need it to be bright and different than when we would sit out there together. i have only sat out there once since You died. Bev says i don't get to go through what is left of Your stuff once she is done with it. She says i have to move on. She called me Your fuck friend. God i know how mad that email would have made You. You would have emailed her back. i can't. She is threatening legal action. Lore and Aaron are on the same band wagon. They did things that went against Your wishes. They went behind my back and have insulted me, have "threatened" me, have said things about You and me. People have said i shouldn't engage in their war with me. i haven't. they said You wouldn't have wanted me to. i almost laugh when they say that. You were the worst to act if someone did that. You would have been all over them and emailed back and forth with them. You would have made it public and told them off. i can't. i have to live with the consiquences of doing that. You don't have to now. You aren't here to defend me anymore. Did You ever really change Your will Master? You had said You did. You had said i would be taken care of. What was it that You meant? How was i to be taken care of? Did You leave instructions to Peter and Erin on what to do with me? Did You leave me instructions on how to get on with my life? i tried to make myself come Master. i couldn't do it. i kept wanting to call You like i always would to get permission. i wanted to hear Your voice telling me i was Your slut. i wanted it to be like it was on the 16th, when we were last together. i needed to feel You inside me like that night. i needed to feel Your hand in my hair, Your fingers pinching my skin, Your beating me with the blue strap while You moved in and out of me. i can't say this anywhere else. i can't talk to You anywhere else. i can't go up to see where they put Your ashes in the ground. Bev or Chris would get all angry. Especially with Your wedding anniversary coming up on Sunday. i wonder if Bev has figured out that i was the one that always reminded You of the date, or the date of her birthday, or the date of Chris's birthday, or the date of April's birthday, or the date of Neil's birthday? i doubt it. i have to go. It is time for me to get a shower, put on my cream, wake up TJ, and get on with the day. i miss You so much Master. Please wake me up soon

Sun, 4 Jun 2006

Why won't You wake me up? Why did You leave me here to clean up Your messes again? i get that You lied to me, over and over and over. Sherry shouldn't have had to learn that. Even now i hold our last conversation on MSN a secret. i have kept so many of Your secrets. You telling Bev that You worked on the weekends You wanted to be in town here. You telling one person one thing, and another a different thing. You saying what You think someone wants to hear, and hold the real, and total truth inside. i get that You left me with the lies You told me. i have lived with them so long, they are a part of You and of what i hold on to. But You have left me to not only make decisions without clear guidelines and alienate people, but You also left me to deal with the lies You told someone else. How many other lies am i going to have to clean up for You? How many other things am i going to have to hear or fix? i am not that strong. i am not that brave. But You also left me to be an extra. That extra person in a group. That extra person in a three-some. That extra person that doesn't have anyone inlove with them. That extra person that has no one for themselves. i want to fucking wake up. Now damn it. i want to wake up. Fuck, why did You have to leave me this way. Why couldn't You just say that You didn't want me around anymore. Why won't You fucking wake me up and make this all go away. i am so tired of living this reality. i want to wake up back to normal. i need to wake up back to normal. i can't do this much longer. i am ready to give up. i can do it soon too. TJ leaves in less than i week, and i can do it. i can finally give up. i can't be an extra. i can't hold on much longer. i can't see tomorrow anymore. i can't wait much longer to wake up. i am ready. i really am ready. i am ready to wake up, or go to sleep forever. Just tell me where You are and wake me up and let this all go away. i need You and i want You and i have to wake up. i can't do this anymore. Please wake me up. Please. i just want to wake up. Please. Please Master, please wake me up. Please, please, please. i'll beg. i'll plead. i'll do anything. just please. please. please just wake me up Master. Please.

Sun, 16 Apr 2006

Dear Master

i did a little ritual last night, and some visualization. While i wait for them to come to life, i have decided to be the best submissive to You as i can be. So, i am going to go back to the rules that You set out in January. i am going to follow those i can, and accept that things are up to You. i am going to be who i am (Your submissive) and be who You have always needed me to be.

Just as a reminder, these are the rules i will be following:

Rules (January 2006)
1.Smoking.
a. Wendy is to ask for smokes at all times, either verbally or with hand signals. At His discretion, Mike will allow or not. If Mike says “no”, Wendy is to wait 1/2hr before asking again.

2.Clothes.
a. At Mike’s place, Wendy is to be naked at all times, unless Mike specifically tells her differently. b. At Wendy’s, if TJ is out, and no one else is home, Wendy is to be naked, unless Mike specifically tells her differently.
c. At home, if TJ is in bed, and no one else is there, Wendy is to be naked, unless Mike specifically tells her differently.
d. Mike will try and pick items if He is around.

3.Furniture
a. At Mike’s place, Wendy is to sit on the floor unless told otherwise. She may request to sit or lie on bed, but it is at Mike’s discretion.
b. At Wendy’s, when TJ is up and we are all together, Wendy can sit at the table, in the computer chair, or on the floor by the couch.
c. At Wendy’s, when TJ is in bed, or out, Wendy is to sit on the floor unless given permission to do otherwise. She may request to sit on furniture, but it is at Mike’s discretion.

4.Computer Time a. Between 5:30am and 11:30pm, if Mike is present, Wendy is to request permission to use the computer.

5.Bed Time
a. Sunday – Thursday 11:30pm (if Monday is a holiday, Sunday’s curfew is 1:00am), unless Mike specifically tells her differently.
b. Friday and Saturday 1:00am unless Mike specifically tells her differently.

6.Emails
a. Daily emails are to be sent the morning (before noon) of the next day and are to include:

• i. Food intake
• ii. Blood sugars (4/day)
• iii. Activities done throughout the day
• iv. Any tasks Mike has given Wendy to complete
• v. How Wendy is feeling about the day, things in general, and any play that has happened

b. Weekly emails are to be sent before 11:00pm Sunday evening and is to include: i. A “To Do” list for the upcoming week.

7.Exercise
a. One day a week, Wendy is to walk the mall after dropping Erin off at school.

8.Schedule
a. Friday

• i. If Mike goes to Kingston, he will leave after work or at a time of his choosing, and will call Wendy when he gets to Kingston.
• ii. If Mike stays in Hamilton, He will sleep at Wendy’s Friday night. After discussion with Wendy, Mike will decide what activities will take place.

b. Saturday

• i. If Mike is in Kingston, Mike will try and call Wendy.
• ii. If in Hamilton, and after TJ leaves, Mike will decide what activities will take place.

c. Sunday

• i. If Mike goes to Kingston
• 1. Mike will return at a time of his choosing.
• 2. If Mike is early, he will see Wendy for the afternoon (sometimes supper time).
• 3. If Mike is later, he will go to his apartment and call Wendy.
• 4. In the evening, Mike can do as he pleases, but will not have company over to his place.
• ii. If Mike is in Hamilton
• 1. Mike will stay at Wendy’s until the afternoon (sometimes supper time).
• 2. In the evening, Mike can do as he pleases, but will not have company over to his place.

d. Monday

• i. If Wendy has someone to watch TJ, she is to go to Mike’s place for a “play date”. Upon Wendy’s arrival, Mike will decide what activities will take place.
• ii. If Wendy does not have someone to watch TJ, Mike may or may not (depending on how tired he is) come up once TJ is in bed. Mike will decide what activities will take place and if he will be staying the night.

e. Tuesday

• i. Bowling / Munch night 1. D/s will take place while out. 2. Once home, Mike will decide if any activities will take place.

f. Wednesday

• i. Wendy is free to do, as she wants. Mike is free to do, as He wants.
• ii. If real life situations arise, this will change.

g. Thursday

• i. Mike will be at Wendy’s for supper.
• ii. If TJ goes to karate, Mike will decide what activities will take place.
• iii. If TJ stays home, this time will be devoted to “family time”.
• iv. Once TJ is in bed, Mike will decide what activities will take place.
• v. If Mike is going to Kingston for the weekend, he will sleep over.
• vi. If Mike is not going to Kingston, Mike will decide if he will sleep over.

So, those are the rules i am going to follow. i am also not going to say the "F" word. i am also going to see You without a bra. i am also going to ask to bath You. i am also going to dress right for bowling.

i am going to email You today and ask if i can start sending You emails again, and which email to send them too. i am not going to presume that it is ok to just do it. That would be more like topping from the bottom i am comfortable with. Hopefully You will say yes.

i am going to be the best submissive i can be for You, and maybe it will prove to You how much i love You and want to be Yours.

Sat, 15 Apr 2006

Mood: blue
Topic: How i feel

Dear Master,

i don't know if You read this anymore or not, but i need to say this out loud.

i want You to want me back. i want to submit to You. i want to give myself back to You. Just like i said the other night, i would do anything to make this possible. i would even submit to Sherry and You at the same time. i would even submit to Sherry. i would even appoligize to Sherry.

i know i screwed up in the relationship, and i know You are starting to realize that also. i am sorry for how i was. i am sorry for the high expectations i put on both of us. You say we should move forward, and i want that too. i just want to do it with You.

i know You want to play with others. That is not a new thing. i never ment to stop You. You would say to me that You wanted it to be both of us that played with new submissives. You would say You didn't want that. i would say for You to go out and play on Your own with them. i still feel that way. i want You to be who You are, i have always wanted that.

The past year has been so hard on us both. i want to get pasted it. i want to accept Sherry. i want You to accept me. i want to be back at Your feet. i need to be back at Your feet.

i hate feeling this needy. i hate feeling this broken. What i hate the worst of all is not being Yours. You are the best thing that ever happened to me and i took that for granted. i just want to be back where i belong, and i want You back where You belong. i need You back where You belong.

i know that You want that also. i see it in Your eyes whenever we are together. i hear it in Your voice whenever we are talking. i know the rules have to change. i know i will not like them all. i know alot of it has to do with You spending time elsewhere, but i can live with that. i will do whatever You want me to do.

Please Master, consider taking me back. i beg You Master, please

Sun, 9 Apr 2006

it will be 5 years ago this week that i took your collar. The one you offered to me. The one you promised would be forever. You have blocked me out of your life again. Your emails are no longer open to me. Your photos are no longer open to me. I shouldn't be suprised. i am not with you anymore, so i have no right to them. Yes you say i am your lover and that is the place in your life for me, but it isn't really being a part of your life. It is being there for you to fuck. It is being there for you to top when you want. It is being there for you to talk to when you want. It is being there for you to use my login for the spec. It is being there to be sad and alone on a Saturday night and a Sunday during a race. That is all it is. It means nothing. God i can't do this anymore. i can't keep crying over you. i can't keep hurting because of you. i saw that you are finally reading the Ethical Slut. You know, that book i gave you a year ago for you to read. A book i thought would be good for you to read to help us. A year ago. And now, now that we are not together, you are finally getting down to reading it. More proof that i'm not worth anything. Not even worth the time to read a fucking book for. How many more ways will you continue to prove just how worthless i really am, and how worthless our relationship was to you?

Fri, 10 Mar 2006

i don't know how to explain to you how the special cane being used on you, after only 2 weeks of our breaking up, really hurt me. All i can do is link it to something else. Something that you might be able to relate to. i mean, how would you feel if i asked for the lock back. How would you feel if i decided to wear it "just because". How would you feel if i wanted to wear it whenever i played. How would you feel, if something that special, was used for a purpose other than what it was ment for. What we had said it was ment for. That is how i feel about the special cane. You had said it was for me. Only for me. You showed that to me, but never letting anyone else use it. You showed that to me but never using it on someone else. Then you had someone else use it. You allowed it to be used on someone else. It felt like the specialness of it didn't matter to you. That was how i felt betrayed. Not that you played, but that you used something that was just us. Something that was a representation of us. That was what hurt so much. This is why i want to split up our stuff really soon. So this never happens again. i know some of what i want. Stuff that means something special to me. i don't want everything. This isn't about what i don't want used on someone else, or stuff i don't want on you, but about stuff that i find special. Stuff that meant "us" to me.

Fri, 10 Feb 2006

i can't say i am not disappointed. Still no sex, not since the 2nd. i know You were tired and i didn't feel that good, but yeah, i did feel let down. No play on Tuesday, no play last night. Yes we played on Monday, but only because i made myself come down to Your place to see You. If i hadn't, then there would have been nothing for the week. Yes i feel like i am doing all the work again. i email every day, i ask for smokes, i ask for the bathroom, i asked to come to bed last night. Please understand that this is just how i feel. i do get how tired You were, just like You were tired on Tuesday. i do get that if we play, it is up to You. Just please understand that the build-up (talk about playing while TJ was out, and then talk about playing once TJ went to bed), and the let-down (talk about what You had wanted to do to me) sucks.

Mon, 6 Feb 2006

Thank You for tonight. Thank You for listening to my fears. Thank You for saying sorry for what You said on Friday. Thank You for letting me be playful. Thank You for pushing me. Thank You for stopping when You could see i really was distressed. i don't understand why the tying up of my hands and the thought of tickling or licking bothers me. It just does. It is this sudden onset of utter terror, panic and fear. It is an automatic fight and get away thing rushing threw my head. i just thought this was stuff You needed to know. i am also wondering what, if not anger, it was You felt last night. You pulled away a bit after i asked You to get off me, and untied my hands. i guess i am still scared that my reactions will push You away. With You not telling me what You were feeling, i felt like i did something wrong by my reacting. That was why i said sorry. Tonight wasn't a test. i really was distressed and tried hard not to react like i normally do. Thank You for the pain play. i still say i have a small ass.

Sat, 4 Feb 2006

i just don't get why we can't try it my way this time

i just don't get why it has to be your way

i just don't get how you can say i am important and worth fighting for, but you can't give me a compromise

i just don't get what the difference will be in two months, when i am already unhappy, to trying it your way

i just don't get why you can't see the hope i see by trying it my way for once

i just don't get how you could tell me that Sherry wouldn't get between you and me, but obviously she is

i just don't get how i can be worth so little to you that you don't even want to work on what it is we have

i just don't get why you think you can get it your way, without me burying who i am

i just don't get how you saying "no i don't think we should work on out issues" is you saying we should work on our issues

i just don't get how this could be my last entry to you

i just don't get how little i mean to you i just don't get why you can't do this for me after all i have done for you

i just don't get how i can say "2 months" and you hear "forever"

i just don't get why my feelings and fears aren't important enough to deal with

i just don't get how my supporting you, and you hurting me gets me punished again

i just don't get why you don't want this relationship to work